What they don’t know, won’t hurt…

These days I think a great deal about dog poo. I’m pretty sure I spend more time considering dog poo, than I considered my own kids’ poo when I had three in nappies. (Although I do recall when daughter 4 pooed in the bath when all 4 girls were in it, because that was very funny). 

Anyway, these days it’s all about the dogs and I was very amused to hear that the first London borough to introduce DNA testing to name and shame dog owners who don’t pick up after their dogs, is Barking! 

Partner and I are very anal (sorry) about picking up after dog 1 and dog 2, even when they run straight past the poo bin to the opposite side of the rec, poo where there is no bin and say, ha! Be my poo slave, human.

This morning, dog 1 ran off and pooed. Partner and I dutifully went over to the poo site, only to find three perfect dollops of poo in front of us. Which is his? Partner asked, what I presumed was a rhetorical question. You’ll have to pick one and if it’s warm then it’s his, I said, helpfully. We both stood and studied the poos. It was like a Saturday night TV show. Now, we could have picked up all three, but I have to say that I have the same aversion to other dogs’ poos as I used to have changing other kids’ nappies. As if knowing what went into the making of that poo makes all the difference. Partner plumped for the middle one. I had already thought it would be the one on the right. It’s warm! He exclaimed. You’d have thought he had won the lottery. A fellow dog walker passed by. We tried to hide our excitement for partner’s win. 

Our friends’ Great Dane eats items of clothing, which then get pooed out, washed and back in the airing cupboard on a 24 hour turnaround. I asked if anyone in the house ever objects to this, as I imagined what daughter 2 might say if her Jack Wills’ pants went through this cycle on a regular basis. What they don’t know, won’t hurt them, she said with a smile. Yes, I thought. That’s exactly what went through my mind when dog 1 swallowed daughter 1’s earring and threw it up an hour later. She’ll never know. 

15 thoughts on “What they don’t know, won’t hurt…”

  1. Just read this one- sorry for raising issues that you may have out of your mind!
    I just wanted to share something that was in our local Parish magazine last month. There was a complaint from one of the residents that there had been several incidents over recent weeks concerning dog poo on one of the pavements. The woman went on to report back on the specific spots that they were “deposited” and also then identified that they were “all a rusty brown colour!”
    So what do we do all armed with that info? I wandered if I needed to carry out an inspection of our dogs bottoms to see if there was any tell-tale markings. I didn’t in the end as I was worried where this was going and satisfied myself that it would probably not be beyond this woman to lurk in the bushes with a magnifying glass only to proceed behind us if we were to walk that way. I could take selfies of their arses, I suppose and post them on Faecebook (see what I did there?)

    1. Ha! Dog Poo Nightmare on Elm Street! I love her detailed description of the colour…that narrows it down then!

  2. Love this! I think about poo far more than I should do (although it’s my kids’ – no dog as yet). I think you should pitch the gameshow idea – there’s worse on TV! I can actually imagine your excitement when the right one was picked…#chucklemums

    1. Oh god, it would probably be snapped up by E4, with added nudity! (I scared myself by my excitement!) Thank you for your comments.

  3. I’m allergic to dogs and this post certainly hasn’t done anything to increase my likelihood of overcoming that allergy!! In fact I think it has got worse in the last few minutes!! #chucklemums

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