(I’m) Out of Control

I have identified a problem with being the mother of teenage girls – I am a control freak and teenagers don’t like being controlled. Sometimes they will humour me and then, free from my clutches, carry on their way regardless. Other times they will dig their unhealthily high heels in and refuse to budge. 

I am a professional snooper. So far my snooping has averted a large gathering taking place in our house whilst we were away, an inappropriate one night stand, use of a hip flask and late night doughnut eating. And that is just one – I have four more to go. 

This week, however, my snooping has simply led to frustration and worry, as I overheard a snippet of conversation that has left me desperate to know more, but unable to find out. God knows I’ve tried. First, I started subtly: are you ok? Yes mum. Later that hour: everything ok? Yup. Later that evening: school ok? Yes. The next morning I’m haranguing other daughters to find out what’s going on. They don’t seem a bit worried – this worries me even more. Perhaps they are all in this together…paranoia sets in. By the evening I can’t stand it any longer and I am going for the direct approach: is it a boy? Are you gay? Are you wondering whether you might be gay? No, I’m not gay. Has someone touched you inappropriately? I don’t know what that means, so I presume not mum. Are you pregnant? No! I decide that this is an exclamation of true incredulity. I’m momentarily relieved. I go to start again. I’m gently pushed out of the room and the door is shut on me. I’m left standing outside the frontier, debating the rights of teenage privacy over a parent’s need-to-know and still I am none the wiser. 

Can you just give me a clue, I ask through a crack in the door. Only if you promise you’ll stop going on, comes the reply. This seems like a fair starting point, so I agree. It’s not about me, she says. And that’s it – I’m off again: is it about your sisters? Is it about your friend, is it about your friend’s friend? Is it…MUM!! I’m being screamed at now and even I know that it is time to let it go.