Streakin’ Hell!

Sitting in bed this morning, looking up places to visit near our campsite. This pub looks lovely, I say to partner and its dog friendly – if the dogs are well behaved. We both look at dog 1 and dog 2 chasing each other madly around the bedroom, a ball of growling, biting fur, jumping on then off our bed like a couple of whirling dervishes. Oh bollocks, partner says.

We’ve taken time to explain to daughters that there is no electricity and no WiFi in the tent. This promoted two portable chargers to be hurriedly bought by daughters 1 and 4, using Amazon Prime – that’ll be the Amazon Prime that step daughter left us with when she came to visit and watched a movie – a movie that we have on DVD. Anyway, everyone is now making use of it for a month. The whole idea is that we get away from all this, I tell them, we are going to reconnect. But I’ll lose my streak, moaned daughter 2. I must tell my streakers so that they can keep up the streaks while I’m away. My parental voice of concern kicks into action: streakers? I ask. What the hell are you talking about? I don’t want to think about it too hard. On Snapchat mum, don’t worry about it. Oh great, I think to myself. Another thing one of my teenagers tells me I don’t need to worry about, which always makes me worried.

Daughter 2 wants to take her full length mirror camping. I’m going to wrap it in bubble wrap, she tells me. God, we are nowhere near leaving the house and I am stressed. Like we need a mirror to tell us how crap we all look in wellies and fleeces, daughter 1 mutters.

I insist that partner shaves and that I wash my hair before we go. You have to start a camping trip looking the best you can, I tell him, because each day you go gradually downhill. I’m taking my Clairol 5 in 1 shampoo, daughter 1 says. Five in one, I think to myself. I’ve heard of 2 in 1 but god they pack some shit into shampoos these days. Five in one sounds like it’s covering a multitude of needs and eventualities.

Daughter 1 has just googled post delivery on Good Friday and found out there isn’t one. Which means that, however amazing and expensive Amazon Prime is, they are not going to get their chargers today. My snap streak! she’s wailing. Partner and I run for cover. I’m taking my guitar and a bottle of whisky, says partner. To cover a multitude of needs and eventualities.

We’re all ready with our things in the hallway. Anyone seen the keys to the roofbox? Partner enquires. Oh bollocks…