My youngest daughter is 12 years old. She’s talented and wonderful and lovely in many ways, and right now she is often angry. I talk to other parents about their pre-teens and they often comment that they feel the tweenie stage starts at 8 or so years old. She’s the youngest of 5 girls, whose changes I have observed…I know what’s coming and so this was our conversation:
Why does everyone keep telling me I’m so angry all the time? I’M NOT ANGRY!!! (said as a yell)
I sit down on her bed, wrap my arms around her and pull her close to me. Her head rests on my lap.
You see, darling, it’s because you are angry. Every time you answer a question, you sound angry. Whenever I ask you to do something, you look angry. Your hormones are raging around your body. You are at a difficult and at times horrible, angry age. You may not realise how very angry you sound, because those nasty hormones make you think that it is everyone else who is having a go and getting at you, but we’re not. We are just being us and you are just being you and in a few months time that ‘you’ will be a slightly calmer person. You will be a teenager. You will still be horrible and angry, but slightly less so. You will still think that everyone else is unfairly having a go, but you will gradually begin to see it from our point of view too. Then, not too long after this you will occasionally be pleasant. Just often enough that I see glimpses of how things might be one day, when we might go for a coffee and chat.
Until this time sweetheart, we will take deep breaths and we will tolerate your anger. We will sometimes shout back at you, but this will not make us feel too good. We will love you with every bone in our bodies and we know that this time will, as it has done before, pass.
Whilst I agree that hormones play in part to teen and pre-teen girls’ temperament, let’s not negate their very real feelings by chalking it up to “hormones”. To me, that’s the same as if you cry, or are angry, somebody telling you it’s because you’re menstruating and it’s all just down to your “hormones”. Children, pre-teens and teenagers have BIG feelings for lots of reasons, and don’t know how to deal with them like we do as adults. Let’s not tell our girls they’re simply hormonal, let’s not tell them they’re angry and horrible. Let’s support them through their feelings without making them feel as though they’re not legitimate.
Hi Lola, yes, I completely agree that it isn’t just their hormones. This is just a snippet of many conversations I have had with all my girls over the years. It is also trying to inject a little humour into their behaviour, hence my comment: when you become a teenager, you will still be angry and horrible, just slightly less so! It’s just taking one small element of many hugely complex issues and writing about it. No more than that.
Shouting back is the only fun I get
You gotta get your kicks where you can! Laughing at them is also great therapy!
As a Mum of two feisty girls, I’m sure this day will come all too soon! Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub
xx
Yes it will, but (luckily) they are also totally gorgeous and wonderful too 🙂