Mum Knows Best

The minute I was offered that cup of tea, I knew that my consent was required. Teenagers don’t make cups of tea unless you specifically request one. Tea is not on a teenagers’ radar. Teenagers will bake cakes and biscuits, they will offer to cook dinner sometimes, but they NEVER offer to make me a cup of tea. So I knew it was a biggie.

She plonked it down in front of me and sat on the sofa opposite, clutching a notebook, looking nervous and defiant at the same time – a look that only a teenager can carry off. They perfect the defiant part as toddlers and the nerves develop with their heightened awareness of self. I made sure that I played my part in the drama that was unfolding, by looking serious. She started to speak and immediately two sisters appeared through different doors to listen in to the conversation. Sisters are able to sniff out a juicy one from upstairs rooms and from the garden – it’s a knack. I wonder if boys are on such heightened alert…I doubt it.

She told them to go away. Now we’re all intrigued. They need a tit bit before agreeing to go. She feeds them one line: I’m talking to mum about the sleepover. It’s enough for them. they are bored by that. It isn’t that she’s got a boyfriend, is gay, or anything about sex. They scarper.

THE SLEEPOVER…I hate those two words. I never used to hate them. I was always cool with friends staying over. I felt it was good for the girls to get used to being apart from us and sleep somewhere different. I didn’t mind having kids to stay – as long as they weren’t the whingy ones, who did nothing but demand attention, wouldn’t eat the food, didn’t seem to like your kid much either and then you had to drive them home at 1am because they’d puked everywhere and they wanted to go. Those kids suck.

No, I’m talking about teenage girls’ sleepovers, where they load themselves up on popcorn and Haribos. Watch back to back horror movies until 4am. Take endless selfies. Laugh loudly. Scream. Wake up too early, because the rest of the house is awake. AND THEN THE CARNAGE…

Have you ever experienced a sleep deprived teenager acting up in front of her friends? IT’S HORRIBLE! Your usually fairly pleasant child turns into a MONSTER! The shit that comes out of their mouths is so unbelievable, you are almost left speechless. Even the friends shift nervously from foot to foot, trying to hide behind this person who is somehow possessed. This creature who is talking to you as if you are a piece of crap, rather than someone who has just accommodated their wishes for the past 24 hours and will probably end up picking pieces of popcorn and sweet wrappers from under their bed for days to come.

“I’ve made a list of points saying why you should let me have a sleepover this weekend,” she started. One by one, she read them off the page. At least she’s reading, I thought as I listened. I admired her wanting a proper debate, rather than an argument. I was impressed with the way she put her points across so clearly. I was rather touched by her sincerity.

“No!” I said without hesitation. Because no matter how calm and mature her behaviour is now, ultimately Mum knows best.