Month: May 2018

We can’t handle it, they most often can

Another day, another article on Facebook telling us that our children’s mental health is in crisis. Depending on the article, depending on the day and depending on the agenda, it’s that young men are in jeopardy, young girls, teenage girls, young boys…so that just about covers everyone, right? Everyone is in jeopardy and at the exact same time as the majority of young people are completely losing their shit for a multitude of reason, the mental health provision in the NHS is overwhelmed and underfunded.

As I wake up every.single.morning. I reach for my phone and lazily scroll through my social media feed, allowing crisis after crisis seep into my half awake brain. The malleability of the human brain is both our strength and our weakness.

I bump into my daughters on the stairs and talk about privacy online. I put the kettle on whilst checking that we’re all good on the effects of drugs. I watch them chomp on their toast whilst I regale then with stories of the need for consent.

They humour me. Sometimes they laugh at my ignorance.

Then I think to myself, who are the neurotic ones? Who are the ones being manipulated? Who are the ones who are really bloody stressed out because they no longer know what they should be thinking?

Mental health problems may well be on the rise in young people, but I think we need to seriously address our behaviour as adults, as parents, as journalists, even as experts, before we judge the issue as being caused by the world our youngsters inhabit. The world of a like for a like, of Internet porn, of online bullying and narcissism. We forget that this is all they know and have ever known. We forget that they talk to each other and work things out amongst themselves. We forget that we communicate with our children far more than our parents ever did with us.

Meanwhile us, the adults, are easily led. We’re totally absorbed in reading about how other parents do it. We’re malleable and neurotic and when we aren’t, we are judged as not caring. We have not grown up with the Internet. So whilst our children are using it comfortably, we are using it in a state of paranoia. We simply cannot make sense of the deluge of information that it throws at us, warping our instinctive brains.

Yes, we are so malleable.

We are believing all the hype. We think that our children are suffering mentally because of Fortnite and cruel words online and not getting enough likes. And yes, sadly some may well be. Sadly when I was young a boy didn’t know that ‘no’ meant ‘no’, so I felt raped. Sadly friends suffered from identity issues and bulimia. Sadly many were bullied. A good few were anorexic. I was approached by a paedophile, my sister was approached by a paedophile and friends were approached by paedophiles, whilst others went off with older men far too young.

It happened. It still happens. Who is really suffering the most from mental heath issues now – is it our children or is it us? Are we being driven crazy by the need to keep up with perfection on Instagram? Perfect children brought up the perfect way in perfect houses. Are we going nuts having to constantly check our social media feeds? And when we do, is what we read making us unable to see the wood for the trees? Can we no longer make decisions from the gut? And what is the effect of all this on THEM?

WE are malleable.
WE are suffering from stress.
WE are judgemental and the online bullies are US.

WE can’t handle the Internet pressure.

THEY  most often can.

Fake worries

I’ve decided that I’m going to take a radical approach to parenting in the Internet age. Many may already have jumped on this train, but you wouldn’t know because maybe they daren’t say, for fear of being judged. Or perhaps they don’t care what others think. They’re not easily influenced or swayed and just don’t feel the need to ‘say’.

The sayers are worrying us. Because what actually causes a worry? You are happily parenting from your gut. Careering from one mini crisis to another and working it out – sometimes badly, sometimes like a pro. Asking friends and family for support – fairly like-minded people you surround yourself with. Your squad.

Then bam! It’s a Facebook comment that undermines you. It’s the endless articles on how you should be parenting, the ‘sponsored posts’, the fake news. Thoughts from other parents, especially mums, who are anxious and worried as they parent through the goggles of social media.

But they aren’t your squad! They may not be wrong, they may not be right. When it comes to bringing up kids, are there actually always rights and wrongs? Different children, parents, cultures, backgrounds and needs. The melting pot of ideas that is the Internet makes for a lumpy stew.

Everyone on the Internet appears worried. Worried about teens and screens, worried about apps, worried about cyber bullying, worried about online grooming. It seems that it’s imperative that we all worry.

So here’s my new radical approach: ditch the ‘fake’ worry. I’m going to stick to my own worries and work them out with my squad. They know me and my kids and where I’m coming from. I’m going to tell myself that there isn’t a paedophile luring my daughter to a secret meeting place, or that she’s sending nude photos to ‘friends’. I’m going to dress myself down and tell myself that she doesn’t self harm, despite constant streams of information telling me it’s on the rise. I’m going to remind myself that her addiction to Fortnite can be managed. In fact I’m going to make sure that I keep communicating with her, respecting her and keeping the boundaries firm. I will allow myself a peek at a parenting book (that maybe one of my squad recommends) and I’ll try what they say if I like. I will stay aware as much as is possible for a golden oldie technophobe.

So there it is: I’m done with the Internet worry fest. The breathy, ‘is it?’ ‘Isn’t it?’ ‘Should I?’ ‘Must I?’ ‘Really?’ ‘Are you sure?’ ‘Are you serious?’ That and the constant judgments.

Stirring the Internet parenting stew is similar to googling symptoms when you feel ill. You won’t like what you hear, it will worry the shit out of you and it’s highly likely it won’t materialise anyway. Another fake worry.

I guess my mum worried. Different times, different worries. Less bullshit, less contradictions. Surrounded by her squad. Chatting things over with cups of tea, hours on the phone (that was stuck to a wall).

Keeping it real.

The Beast

I’ve been thinking about the effects of screen time on our kids, particularly teenagers. I was comparing the time I used to spend on the Atari 800 playing some kind of crappy shite for hours on end and kids on their X boxes and Netflix now. When I think of screen use in our house, it all takes place in the teens’ bedrooms. They rarely watch TV with us and I can honestly say they never watch TV on their own downstairs. 

THIS is a big difference between now and then. 

Back then, no one had laptops. If they had a computer it was in the family living space, fought over by everyone. TVs in the bedroom weren’t necessarily the norm. So although we weren’t exactly being sociable when we were glued to the screens, we were accessible. We were physically available and it was totally obvious to our parents what we were doing.

My teens’ screen use is hidden. Not because they are hiding what they are doing (I hope) but because they are in their bedrooms, doors shut. 

As a parent this is disconcerting. It feels as if they are doing something they don’t want us to see. It makes us suspicious, especially when the horror stories are driven home to us all. It disconnects them from us, both physically and mentally. This feels horrible when we were used to being so close. It embroils them with their friends (and you hope it ends there).

As parents we used to be told to have the family computer in a room downstairs. This advice already sounds so old, and yet it was only a few years ago it was being given out at every talk on internet safety. But things have changed.

Things are moving fast. We can’t keep up. Teens need laptops for homework. Kids are asking for phones younger. As parents we let things slip because others are getting phones younger. We give in and the slippery slope gets frighteningly fast and hard to keep a grip on. Once we are on that slope with our kids, it’s almost impossible to stop. Limit screen time? It’s an addiction, so it can’t be done without a fight. Without shouting and tears. It’s their norm. It’s their world. 

Have we got the strength? The knowledge? Have we as parents now lost our grip? And if so, what are the implications?

It worries me. I try to implement boundaries and rules, but to be honest they are hard to keep. I work. I can’t keep a bedroom watch. So I tell myself this:

  • Communicate
  • Trust
  • Keep up with new games and apps as much as possible
  • Communicate 
  • Talk to other parents
  • Implement some boundaries 
  • Trust
  • Accept that things have changed and that our world isn’t their world
  • Communicate 
  • Trust

I don’t think we will know the effects of the beast of screens on our teens for a few years. By which time they, like us will no doubt be finding their way through life with its ups and down.

I tell myself that life will adapt to the huge change in screen use and so everyone will adapt with it – yes, even an oldie like me! If our teens are able to navigate it without becoming entrapped in addiction to porn or online gambling, or meeting the wrong sort of folk, then I have little doubt they will turn out just fine. 

Our parents worried. We worry, but worrying is relative to the scale of the problem. As parents now, we know we are dealing with a beast. We know to be concerned, but equally we must know when to trust.