Anti-Bullying Week: 14-18th November 2016
Last night I was nonchalantly scrolling through my Facebook feed, when I came across a video clip of Lucy Alexander on, ‘This Morning.’ Lucy’s teenage son Felix, 17, took his own life after suffering daily taunts from bullies. It drew me in.
This mum was speaking so bravely, so honestly and with such tragic insight, that I wanted to listen. I wanted to learn.
We hear the word, ‘bully’ so often now, we might almost wonder why, when it seems to get bandied around so much, does it still exist? Why do bullies continue to get away with it? Why aren’t we – parents, teachers, friends – so aware of that word, that we are able to stamp it out?
The truth is the tragedy here. The truth is causing young people to jump in front of trains. To take scissors to their arms and to hang themselves. Not because they are cowards, but because they simply cannot take any more. Their minds have been warped and twisted and turned so many times that they no longer know how to unravel it. And the truth is, that as parents, teachers and sometimes even friends, we don’t see it.
We need to educate ourselves. We need to know that if our child is having a sleepover and leaves one friend out, who is normally a part of the group: that is bullying. We need to be aware that when a group of friends arrange to go to the cinema and decide not to tell one friend: that is bullying too. Excluding a child from a party, an outing, a play date, when they normally feel a complete part of that friendship group, is bullying. As parents we must take responsibility for this. Because bullying is not just calling someone names. It’s not just taking something from someone, nor is it just a punch in the stomach – although this is what it feels like to the victim, every time. It can be small things – little incidents, that alone don’t seem to matter too much, but they build up and it is this layering of small things that causes the mind to warp, the mental state to turn.
Bullies may not realise they are bullying. This is the honest truth. So parents and teachers: we are the adults. We must be the vigilant ones. We must be the ones who shout and scream and get our voices heard when we suspect that something is wrong. We must be the ones who talk, who seek advice, who listen and then act.
As Lucy said in her interview, we must teach our children this: Think! Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind – before anything you write on social media. Actions and words have consequences. Above all, she said, please let’s teach our children to be kind.
It’s so simple: please just be kind.
In a bid to prevent other young lives being lost, she wrote a heartbreaking but poignant letter to appeal to youngsters, parents and teachers to never turn a blind eye to a child in need.
Here is Lucy Alexander’s letter to bullies, parents and schools in full
On April 27 2016 our beautiful 17-year-old son took his own life. He decided to do this because he could not see any way to be happy.
His confidence and self esteem had been eroded over a long period of time by the bullying behaviour he experienced in secondary education.
It began with unkindness and social isolation and over the years with the advent of social media it became cruel and overwhelming.
People who had never even met Felix were abusing him over social media and he found that he was unable to make and keep friends as it was difficult to befriend the most “hated” boy in the school.
His schoolwork suffered and he found school a daily struggle.
He changed schools for 6th form, something he would not contemplate before, as even though he was miserable he was also terrified of the unknown and was sure that because he felt he was so worthless, another school would make no difference.
He did make friends at his new school and the teaching staff found him to be bright, kind and caring.
He was however so badly damaged by the abuse, isolation and unkindness he had experienced that he was unable to see just how many people truly cared for him.
I write this letter not for sympathy, but because there are so many more children like Felix who are struggling and we need to wake up to the cruel world we are living in.
I am appealing to children to be kind ALWAYS and never stand by and leave bullying unreported.
Be that one person prepared to stand up to unkindness. You will never regret being a good friend.
I have been told that “everyone says things they don’t mean on social media”.
Unkindness is dismissed as “banter” and because they cannot see the effect of their words they do not believe there is one.
A quote I saw on Facebook recently resonated with me and I think is worth thinking about before posting anything on social media. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
Our children need to understand that actions have consequences and that people are wounded, sometimes fatally by these so called “keyboard warriors”.
Not all children participate in online abuse, but they may be guilty of enabling others to do it.
They do this by not reporting it, by not supporting or befriending the child being abused, which just validates the bully’s behaviour.
I appeal to teachers to look out for signs that children are struggling. Poor grades or poor behaviour may signal a child crying out for help.
Listen to parents who may report problems and monitor their social interactions.
Are they sitting alone at break time or lunchtime? Are they particularly quiet or are they perhaps too loud?
I do not expect teachers to be psychologists but they have a unique overview of children’s lives and they are able to recognise a difficulty early and help signpost towards help.
Education is a vital part of change. Children need to be shown from a very early age the necessity of kindness to each other.
Incorporate these valuable lessons into the PSHE programme early in a child’s school life.
They all have smart phones at a very young age and it is vital that they are guided on how to use them responsibly and kindly.
Finally I appeal to parents. Please take an interest in what your children do online. Find out what social media platforms they are using and be sure that their use is appropriate and kind.
We don’t like to think that OUR children could be responsible for being cruel to another child, but I have been shocked by the “nice” kids who were responsible in part for Felix’s anguish.
Even if they only say something horrible once, that will not be the only person who will have said something that week.
Group chats can be a particular problem and they can disintegrate into hate fests very easily.
It is too simplistic to say “Why don’t you just block them? You don’t have to read it!” This is the way young people communicate now and many are actually are losing the ability to communicate effectively face to face.
On several occasions we removed all form of social media from Felix as it was causing so much distress, but that just isolated him further and he felt that it was a punishment and not a protection.
Look at your children’s Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Googlechat and Facebook.
Help them understand that if they are writing or posting something that they would not want you to read then they should not be doing it. Help them self-edit before they post.
What are they watching online in their bedrooms? Children are witnessing a warped form of reality as violence and pornography are being “normalised” by their ease of access.
We have a collective responsibility to prevent other young lives being lost to unkindness and bullying.
You may see that I have repeatedly used one word in this letter and I make no apology for this.
The word is kindness. I said this at our son’s funeral. Please be kind always, for you never know what is in someone’s heart or mind.
Our lives have been irrevocably damaged by the loss of our wonderful son; please don’t let it happen to any other family.
Lucy works with the charity: Place2Be. Place2Be’s highly skilled practitioners deliver services in 282 schools across the UK. They offer a menu of services relating to bullying for primary and secondary schools, providing support for children, parents, teachers and school staff.
Children don’t need to be punished, they need to be helped. Let’s help all our children by being more aware.
Lucy and Felix
“Oh dear Mum”
Come on, it’s not that bad…is it?
