Do you ever come across something, that has good intentions, but winds you up almost as much as a Kim Kardashian selfie…well, ok maybe not that much. For me, it’s the primary school lunchbox police. Uuurrggghh!! Even thinking about them makes me mad. An extremely well meaning PTA mum generates an e mail stating that, for a whole month, lunch boxes are being examined (judged) and unsuitable items will be removed. There is an attachment listing healthy lunchbox items. It’s a Sunday night and I either have none of these in my cupboard or the kids would rather eat their own toenails, so I have already failed. The second problem is that the well meaning parent, let’s call her Christine, has stipulated no chocolate. I examine our biscuit box – every single one contains chocolate in one form or another: a drizzle, drops, the whole bloody thing drenched in it. I opt for the bar with a drizzle of 80% dark, organic chocolate with a ponsey pattern on it, left over from Christmas. My thinking being, that Christine will appreciate the ‘organic’ element and she’ll go easy on us. This, along with a ham sandwich (cheap, processed, but I bet it slides through Christine’s net) a packet of breadsticks (obviously no crisps allowed) and an apple – the apple is lobbed in as a Christine pleaser and will return home, slightly more bruised and floury, but otherwise untouched.
At school this afternoon, daughter 4 is walking in front of me. What’s that on your bum? I ask her, putting my head rather embarrassingly close and sniffing, in that way that Mums do. There is a large, dark brown solid patch, spread across the rear. That’ll be the chocolate from my biscuit, she says, I had to sit on it when the inspection took place, so that no one saw it. I’m incandescent with rage.
I spot Christine across the playground. Standing next to her is her daughter, slurping on an Innocent smoothie. I feel an incredible urge to go marching over, look her straight in the eye and say: Christine. That innocent smoothie you have so smugly given your child is not so innocent after all. That little carton is absolutely rammed with sugar, equivalent to 3.5 Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Donuts and while your daughter is going to be jumping around like a Duracell bunny any moment now, in 20 minutes she’ll feel like a bag of shit and be giving you merry hell!
Instead, I pity Christine. After all, she has good intentions. However, as I glance at her ample breasts and wide buttocks, I can’t help wondering where all the confiscated food goes.
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Love it. We’re doing preschool pack lunches at the mo…not quite so stringent, bit still a pain!
As well as those innocent smoothies, for us it’s the toddler snacks (Organix whatevers). Little Johnny can’t have a biscuit because he’ll get a sweet tooth, but he can have his fill of these organic bars that are just oats and concentrated apple juice (that’ll be 50% sugar then??). The world’s gone bonkers!
It certainly has! Everything in moderation…at least that’s what I’ll be telling myself when I pour the wine tonight!
This made me laugh out loud! Hilarious! I dread this when my little boy gets older. Although to be fair inspecting lunch boxes is a bit much. #bloggerclubuk
Glad it gave you a laff 🙂 Watch out..there’s a Christine lurking in every school playground!!! Thank you for commenting.
oh this is outrageous – I was reading just with my jaw on the floor – how dare she how dare she and then your final paragraph – yes! inspired! You’re my kinda girl! love it! #BloggerClubUK
Hey sista! Thank you for your comments x
This woman sounds like a nightmare! I can understand why school meals have to be healthy, but I do believe that parents should be able to put whatever they want in their child’s packed lunch. Some of the stuff might not be ideal, but it’s better than the child going hungry because they won’t eat anything else.
Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK 🙂
Debbie
Hi Debbie, yes absolutely: freedom of lunch box expression, that’s what I say . Thank you for reading x
Miaow! I wasn’t expecting THAT parting shot!
I’m totally with you though – it’s hard enough trying to get kids to eat (when they’re left to their own devices at school rather than having you sat with them saying, “come on, just a bit more”). Then when you have to send them in with stuff that they don’t even like… aaargh! #ABloggingGoodTime
I had to be harsh for dramatic effect 😉 Thank you for all your comments x
OMG is this real! We have fruit day on Wednesday and that will a bad enough never mInd lunch police. I think you are very good I wouldn’t have kept my mouth shut! Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime
I’m afraid so! Oh how it used to wind me up!
It’s quite obvious that Christine is not human. I mean, Anti-Chocolate? What woman do you knwo that would enforce such a draconian rule? I am mortified for you and you lot of 4. Christine needs a job so she could have better things to worry about if you ask me! #ablogginggoodtime xoxo
Yes, poor Christine. Putting yourself in charge of lunchbox policing is not my idea of a tea party. She was probably once some shit hot city lawyer…