Ok, so what I’ve gathered over the past few weeks, is that we’re a human race full of disenchanted, body image confused, narcissistic, trolling commitment phobes…but apart from that, we’re doing ok. If you are able to get past Boris as Foreign Secretary and Donald Trump as potential President of one of the most powerful countries in the world – powerful, despite being complete nutters in so many respects: gun laws spring to mind.
Brexit illustrated how fed up people are with, well generally everything. They just want a goddamn change and bugger the consequences. We’re British (just about) and we’ll pull through.
We’re body image confused, because one minute we’re being told to eat nothing but carrots, so that we can have the beach body of a stick insect and the next minute we’re being told to embrace our curves, as long as we do it confidently and whilst smiling, eating organic chocolate and knocking back bottles of red wine with all their life enhancing flavonoids. But don’t, for god’s sake put on weight if you’re a celebrity, because suddenly you’ll find that you are being branded as pregnant with Jesus’ love child and it’s a girl, in case you were wondering. You’re calling her Monica and decorating her nursery in Cath Kidston. Oh, and by the way, it’s a miracle (presumably because you’re so old) and it’s saved your marriage. Sorry, what? You’re saying you’re not pregnant? Bollocks to that. Don’t let minor details get in the way of a good story.
We’re narcissistic because Snap chat and Instagram have made us that way. It’s not our fault. Facebook got the ball rolling, Twitter took up the baton: I’m eating a sandwich #nice – I don’t fucking care, but please like my photo on Instagram, because if I get less that 50, it’s an epic fail. No holds barred- I’ll send the tit pic and sod the consequences. Whaddaya mean it’s a criminal offence? Get it out there – don’t worry that it’s now gone around the entire school and the police are knocking on every year 10 boys’ door.
Someone dared to kiss their own child on the lips. OMG, that’s DISGUSTING! Out come the trolls: you’re not getting over this bridge you dirty bastards, we’re going to gobble you up, they say to the goats, who are generally just decent people wanting to carry on with their lives – where, by the way, the grass may, or may not be greener. You voted for Brexit? Rot in hell! You left your kid in the car while you went and paid for your petrol? Child abuse! Call the Social Services. What do you mean, they’re not available due to staff shortages?
Have you ever thought about how attention seeking we’ve become as a human race? We’re feeding the trolls all the fodder they need by actually engaging with them. I’m sure that they are professionals, paid by Zuckerberg to keep Facebook alive. Then there’s the selfies and oh my, the shallowness of it all. Love Island – nuff said. People can’t get enough of this shit. Has Big Brother died a death yet, or are we onto BB100? How much more can we all take? People’s eyes are glazed over with the sycophantic abuse they’ve been assaulted with. It all makes Eastenders look like a vaguely interesting documentary on real life in that part of London. Next it will be studied for A level Sociology along with the next anti-classic for English Lit. For God’s sake don’t veer away from the shallows, for fear of getting engulfed by a wave of deep and interesting debate. Kids don’t know how to debate anymore. Hell, they can’t even communicate with each other unless there’s a screen involved. What hope is there for a good, old fashioned debate about anything? Please don’t for fucks sake have an opinion on anything, because it will divert you from the important task in hand of getting a date on Tinder, whilst propping up the student union bar. Commitment? Sorry, what’s that? Is it spelt with two ‘m’s?
So, what are the positives that exist that we can chat to our kids about over our next family meal? (That incidentally will consist of exactly NOT what I have seen on a cookery programme or Pinterest, but probably of pasta with a Dolmio Bolognaise sauce). The positives are that technology is advancing and with the advent of the driverless car, we can all pile in, drive to the pub, get shitfaced and just care less.