The Bra Bulge

My ‘keepin’ it real’ beauty blogs seem to be going down a treat. So much so, in fact that I am now taking requests (I wonder whether Zoella does that?) Don’t worry, though – one thing I will NEVER do is a ‘keepin’ it real’ beauty VLOG…if you think I’m getting my shit out for all to see, you are mistaken. In fact, after yesterday’s bingo wings blog, I covered up for the ladies’ class today, just in case they were judging. Of course they weren’t judging – that’s one thing we don’t do in that class. Christ, we have a laugh though. Even the warm-up had everyone squealing with laughter – out came the inner child. All they were doing was chucking a focus pad at each other. I wonder if the England rugby team sound like this at their training sessions, I said, as another screech was heard. Knees up ladies! came my familiar cry. But it makes my chin wobble! one of the ladies exclaimed. As long as you’re not talking plurals, I replied. Anyway, back to my beauty blog and today’s nitty gritty subject is: the Bra Bulge. As one of our ladies said in class today to her friend: I don’t mind seeing your bingo wings or side boobs, but I’m not looking at your back. It’s a shocker, isn’t it? I find that at least with a muffin top, you can pull your waistband up and your top down, but what the hell are you supposed to do with back fat? For a start, it’s a physical impossibility to even get your hands around there and you certainly don’t want to be drawing your husband’s attention to the fact that you feel there may be a problem, for the goddamn fear that he’ll try to offer a solution. We know full well what the bloody solution is: stop picking at the kids’ nuggets. Easier said than done: 5 o’clock tea time is just when lunch has well and truly worn off and adult dinner time seems a long way away. Pop another one in, can’t let those smiley faces go to waste (not that any of us would dare to admit to feeding our sprogs crap like that, but let’s face it, if it’s carrots and peas we’re picking on, then why the bloody back fat?!) The solution? Well, the ladies’ class offers one: lots of punching the pad is great for toning the arms and back, as well as all the other fat-busting exercises we throw in. Even if you don’t see immediate results, you can punch and kick the hell out of those pads and mentally you will care less about all these issues. Other advice I can offer for the back fat rolls: boycott all shops where the changing rooms harbour those dreadful three-way mirrors, (see blog: Three-Way Mirror). I have never felt the same way about myself again, having caught sight of my bum in a double mirror assault. It wasn’t just my bum. The veins piss me off too, because no matter how much of the kids’ pizza I don’t scoff, there’s bugger all I can do about them.

My solution to all these body issues? Well, we’ve all got ’em to varying degrees, so safety in numbers. Laugh a lot, exercise as life allows, don’t believe what you see in the mirror, because we know it lies anyway! Know that you are a bloody diva in all areas of life, with perhaps the odd exception (I always fuck up ParentMail and I’d rather drown in my own piss than help the girls with homework most of the time). And remember, you can always find a newspaper article that tells you that a glass of wine a day is good for your body and for your soul. Just keep keepin’ it real!