I came across a post by the Unmumsy Mum, yesterday: An Open Letter to the Mum with the Red Coat. In it, she speaks about feeling judged. It really resonated with me and as I reflected on why, I realised that when my children were younger, I felt judged a lot of the time.
It was at its worst when the girls were all pre-school age. When daughter 4 was born, daughter 1 was 4 years and 8 months, so I had 4 kids under the age of 5. I can clearly remember a mum from a toddler group saying to me when she heard I was having a second baby: but your first child is still a baby! These words have stuck in my head ever since. It was the start of me feeling judged.
When I went shopping in my local town with the double buggy, I would huff and puff my way around the shops – doggedly determined to show everyone that I could cope with a small tribe myself. Which is just as well, because very few people offered me help – in the form of perhaps holding a door open, or squeezing to the side just a little, so that I could get passed. No. Overwhelmingly I felt judged. I was tutted at by other women, mainly older women who might have known better, but whose memories had faded with the years. I was stared at. I would smile back, thinking they were making a fleeting, but kind connection. No. They would continue to stare at me, stony faced. Sometimes when I was feeling particularly sleep deprived or brave, I asked them what they wanted of me and they would always turn away. They had made their judgement, without even wanting to test out my willingness to smile.
I soon discovered that however well behaved my children were, independent cafe owners and pub landlords felt very unnerved by our presence. I ended up using the larger chains, who seemed far more accommodating and kind. The issue was never space – I wouldn’t try to squeeze us all in to a quaint tea shop and expect a hug with my cup of tea. The thing was that because other parents also felt judged, they gravitated to the places they could almost relax. Many independent hostelries should have painted: children not welcome, on their doors.
In fact, I felt unwelcome so often in those early years, that when I occasionally did feel welcome, I would be ridiculously happy: oh thank you so much for showing some kindness to my relatively well-behaved children today and for not giving me, ‘that look’. Please can I give you a hug?
It was pathetic. Why couldn’t people just help, ask, chat, smile, not judge?
We all make assumptions, but they don’t have to lead to judgements. God knows, life as a parent is hard enough.
That is a brilliant message and I totally agree with you assumptions should not lead to judgments. I am so sorry you felt judged. I felt really judged when my son was being diagnosed with autism. everyone had an opinion – we shouldn’t be labelling, he’s really clever etc etc The whole pity was that people had the opportunity to make an awful situation better but instead made it worse! We all have the ability to show a bit of kindness and make life better for people and we should!!! Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime
That is such a true comment: people have the opportunity to make an awful situation better. Something everyone should bear in mind. Thank you for your comments.
Such a good post! It totally resonated with me – people are so quick to judge! We find that we are judged as parents as soon as people find out our children are adopted – and worse still the children are judged too which breaks my heart. A little bit of understanding or compassion would go a very long way! #ablogginggoodtime
Absolutely. Thank you so much for your comments.
I don’t know if it’s where I live but it seems that being a mum with a double buggy the size of a small car is de rigeur and every shop and restaurant has a buggy park, something which is also very big in the US I noticed. I so wish it had been like that in my time as a young mum. As you say it was tough back then and often I felt a nuisance! #ablogginggoodtime
Yes and because I felt a nuisance, I would become apologetic and this, coupled with the fact that, at that time, I was a SAHM, I’m sure it undermined me as a person – you end up feeling less worthy than others. Thank you for your comments.