Listen up ladies!

Listen up ladies! I’m here to give you a heads up on our bods. Coming out of Christmas into a Caribbean holiday (emphasis on the: ‘rib’ in these parts, although they were very much not on show) was a stress, I won’t lie. Eating shed loads of brie and Quality streets and thinking, ‘fuck it, it’s Christmas’ is all very well for those of you who catapulted yourselves brazenly and wholeheartedly, albeit with trepidation, into dry January (suckers!) But for those of us who were buggering off to search out the Winter sun, we had to have a body strategy and this very strategy will work for us all in July and August too. So pull up a chair, pour yourself a gin and listen up ladies! I know that the summer is a long way away and that some of you have skiing holidays to get through first (salopettes hide a multitude of sins you lucky bastards) but this information is Botox for the ordinary gal.

Firstly, pack wisely. Don’t underestimate the importance of packing. I poured myself a huge glass of wine and sloped off upstairs, where I proceeded to try on a shit load of bikinis, shorts and t shirts in the depths of winter. It felt strange, but I am reaping the benefits now. For a hot holiday you need at least 3 bikinis that all inter-relate AND you need to put them on in the privacy of your bedroom and sit with your legs apart. Check out your minge. I don’t wax because I am too much of a bloody wimp. I would rather go three rounds in the ring fighting a Russian girl than have my pubes waxed off. So I have to rely solely on the power of the razor. Which is fine, but you have to double check in every position. Modern bikinis, or at least any cheap crap you purchase from Primark, will not be generous in the girth. The last thing you want is to be on your sun-lounger, having already spent bloody ages getting sun creamed up, only to lean over for a change of position to grab your cocktail and catch sight of your minge, poking out from the Primarni 2 quid bikini bottoms. You will stare at it in disbelief, muttering, ‘bastard hair’ under your breath for several minutes and wishing you had been more attentive with your preparations back in blighty.

Secondly, get a vest top that you can wear over your bikini, that shows off your cleavage and hides your love handles. Obviously, you have to bite the bullet and sunbathe in your bikini, but after a while you will actually get sick of the sight of yourself. Cue your little vest top that accentuates your assets and hides the flab. And ladies, please don’t stress too much over the flab. Just say to yourself: I have given birth to some awesome human beings! Yes, they are little shits much of the time, but my belly has housed them and they are worth it. (Keep repeating this, until you believe it).

Invest in a decent pair of sun glasses. I mean, Posh Spice knew what she was doing when she first introduced us to the oversized glasses. You can look like a bag of shit and then those large glasses transform you into someone who is ok to get on board a tour bus.

Buy a floaty thing to put on when you have had enough of sucking in. It covers up everything, whilst looking, ‘ethnic’ which basically means that you are blending into the surroundings.

Just boss it. Feel confident and amazing. You are on holiday and if you can’t boss it now, when can you?

…and only allow photos of yourself to be taken at a distance