Author: Alison

It’s a Dog’s Life

Our dogs have their own voices. Dog 1 had his voice and when dog 2 arrived it was hard to know exactly what his voice should be, so for a few weeks dog 2 sounded like a husky Frenchman. That isn’t right, the girls would exclaim – he doesn’t speak like that. I got tetchy and defensive – he does speak like that I insisted. Three months on, however, dog 1 and dog 2’s voices have merged into one, as has fat cats. Partner and I will have whole conversations as dogs. I wondered how normal this was until our dog sitter arrived for the first time – she started talking like a dog – but in her own style. I have stopped myself from worrying that the dogs will get confused.

Daughter 4 is learning a great deal about male parts and sex from the dogs. Mum he’s got his lipstick out again! Mum, what are they doing? Don’t worry darling, I reply in a husky frenchman’s voice, it’s natural.

The dogs have taken to humping more in front of certain people, certain men to be precise. I’ve given up apologising. Take it as a compliment, I say. You are bringing out their hormones.

Happy Campers

I’ve booked a break for the Easter weekend. A tent?! Daughter 2 exclaimed, both to me and her FaceTime friend. I’m going to be in a tent while you’re in Spain. A tent?!, her friend repeated back, somewhat incredulously. Yes, I said, a little irritated by this double assault on my choice of holiday, it’s called glamping and we can take the dogs – as if either of these two pieces of information were going to reduce her and FaceTime friends horror.

Will there be wifi, asked daughter 1. No, it’s about relaxing and switching off, I tried to explain, beginning to wonder whether this was the best choice for a break with 4 tweenage and teenage girls, two dogs and partner.

We got to the book now part of the form. £595 for a tent! Partner exclaimed. We’ve got a tent in the shed! I sighed, but the trip advisor reviews say that the duvets are more comfortable than a five star hotel and there’s a proper toilet and lanterns, I reply somewhat weakly and they’ll let us take the dogs. He nodded and reluctantly clicked; priorities have changed.

Toilet Troubles

I have dropped my phone down the toilet…again. The first time was due to a hiccup, both literally and metaphorically speaking, catapulting it out of my hand and dumping it down the u bend. This time It was wrenched from my hand by an unknown force and dropped down the khazie. Despite partners valiant attempts at rice and airing cupboard treatment for 48 hours and it, tantalisingly, coming back to life for a day, it burnt itself out (I was using it as a hand warmer until I actually engaged my brain and told myself that a hand warmer is one of the few claims Apple doesn’t make of its phones).

All of which puts me in the unlikely position of now being envied by my four children, as I have replaced phone disaster number two with an I phone 6. This prompted daughter 1 to open her negotiations: if you have step dad’s phone and step dad has my phone then I can have your I phone 6 mum.

Every time I get my phone out it is met with words of awe and appreciation of its colour, it’s form and complete incredulity that I don’t want to use the thumb print device. It is caressed and handled by the girls as if it were a work of art; which, I suppose in 21st century terms it is. The I phone 7 is coming out soon, daughter 4 informs me this evening, as if hoping to dent my pride in owning my piece of history. Or perhaps she’s just hoping for another hiccup.

Failed!

Number 1 friend seems quite surprised that I don’t know the name of my daughter’s head teacher. Oh I don’t even know the name of her form teacher I said adding, is that bad? She’s visibly shocked so I turn back to the permission slip I’m completing and continue in silence. I’m racking my brains for her form group. I knew it once I chide myself. I’m feeling the pressure. Eventually I give in and turn to friend one, she’s 7 erm….oh my god she exclaims. Another failure to me, except the very nature of our friendship and her number one status is that we don’t judge. We go back too far and know too much. Well, I continue defensively, the whole year 7 induction process burnt me out. Plus I have too many children to worry about details: too many parent portals, too many systems, too many codes. At my kids’ school there are several heads, my no 1 friend continues, seemingly recovered from her disappointment in me. Too many heads…. Life is just so complicated now.