Category: Teenagers, love ’em

You know when you read an article and you find yourself nodding along to it, like your favourite tune and then when you’ve finished reading it you want to high five the author? Well that’s exactly how I felt when I read an article based on a book called: How to Raise an Adult, by Julie Lythcott-Haims, in which, according to the article, ‘she is on a mission to wake up parents to the damage that well-meaning over-involvement causes’.

So often we read articles about ways in which we are damaging our children and think to ourselves: oh crap, yes. But here was one where I actually appear to be doing a great deal right – some of it by accident, some through not having the time to parent any other way and some of it by instinct.

I have 5 girls and a boy, two of which are step children. I guess you could say that I have had quite a lot of practice on how to raise an adult and I’m still learning on the job, often feeling my way in the dark and quite often feeling confused.

My step daughter has just graduated from University. There is no denying that she was my Guinea pig, but as she has managed to get through her degree and had an amazingly enriching time in the process, I guess that us parents may have done something right. Although, of course she must take a great deal of the credit, I think that we set her on the right road. The thing is though, there were so many times when I felt what we were doing was harsh – she certainly thought so and it would have been so easy to take another path.

I remember a time when she was 15 and she wanted to go to her friend’s house, but her dad and I were both busy at home and didn’t want to trek over there. We told her to get the train and buses and then walk the final leg. She told us that her friends could not believe that we were asking her to do this. I wavered slightly and questioned whether we were indeed asking too much. Don’t you find yourself doing this a lot as a parent? Questioning yourself and your decisions? Analysing whether it is correct and fair. I feel that this is one of the hardest things about parenting a teenager.

The day she had to move in to her University halls of residence was on a Tuesday. Both her Dad and I were working, so we told her that we had to take her up on the Sunday. She wasn’t allowed to move in early and so we deposited her and all her belongings in a motel, that we had got her to locate and book, and said goodbye in the car park. Due to work, we didn’t visit her again in the three years she was there. On her moving in day, she got a taxi to her halls and moved herself in. Harsh?  Necessary – and I am glad that it was. As Lythcott-Haims points out in her book, as parents we need to pull back, because by over parenting, we haven’t taught our teenagers to survive by themselves in the world. This lack of skills of independence is at the heart of the rise of stress and anxiety among students.

The evening we left my step daughter in the motel was the first time she had ever left home, but we knew that we had paved the way for her to be able to cope with the situation. When we got home later that evening, I saw she had posted on Facebook a photo of her bonsai tree, sitting on the window sill of her motel room. I could easily have seen it as a symbol of her being alone. Lythcott-Haims says that we have created ‘bonsai teenagers’ who are pruned to perfection, yet not hardy enough to survive in the world outside.

My partner and I make sure that our children work, cook, travel independently wherever possible and they have all had their fair share of disappointment. We try to let them experience it, rather than protect them from it.

So when I saw my step daughter’s photo of the bonsai, I didn’t see it as an image of loneliness, I saw it as her saying to the world that she is ready for a new life: the roots were firmly established and she was ready to grow.

I don’t think for a moment that we are doing everything right, but this article gave me hope, when sometimes I feel harsh. A teenager may feel hard done by, but it is our job as parents to stand firm and then they will flourish.

Daughter 2 is spending over 2 weeks of her Summer holiday with a friend in Spain and then a further week with her Dad. It suddenly occurred to me that I wasn’t going to see her for almost a month. We should go on a bonding trip before you go, I suggested to her, optimistically. She vaguely agreed it would be a nice idea and we searched our the diary for a suitable time. The only window of opportunity was one day after school. It would give us an hour to bond over shopping until the shops shut and then possibly pizza for tea. With that – there is literally always at least one person overhearing a conversation in this house – two of her sisters insisted that they join us. Daughter 2 was not amused, but there was no stopping them. Those two words: shopping and pizza are like the Holy Grail for teenagers and they weren’t going to miss out.

The list of final items that she needed for the trip abroad seemed to be purchasable at Superdrug. In we all went. Grab a basket, I said (as you do). Three sets of eyes looked at me, completely incredulously. Oh my God, no way! Why would you want to do that? Daughter 2 asked with utmost disdain. Erm…(I wondered what to say, as it seemed pretty obvious to me). I hovered by the baskets. So that you can put the things you want to buy in it? I ventured, tentatively. Three teenagers stared back at me. Why? Why not? I replied. It’s so embarrassing, Daughter 2 continued undeterred. All three girls were now shaking their heads at me. Where are you going to put your items? I questioned, with perfect reasoning. You just hold them in your hands, came the answer and with that, they all disappeared down the first aisle.

I need a new toothbrush, daughter 2 said. I pointed to the travel variety. I’ll have one of those too, daughter 1 decided. The offer on the travel products was 3 for 2. We may as well get something else, daughter 1 suggested, with the sharpness of a keen shopper. There was every toiletry option you could imagine on display. Great swathes of miniature shampoos, conditioners, deodorants, sun creams, toothpastes, cleansers. You know the score. Everything you could possibly need for a holiday. All in cute, little packages. Daughter 2 reached forward: Sudocrem, she declared and grabbed at the familiar red and white tube. Familiar to me because I used to smear it across their arses with impunity several years ago. Now it was my turn to ask, why? What are you going to do with Sudocrem in Spain, that after sun can’t handle? True, she said putting it back and she grabbed a deodorant, adding it to her already rather full hands.

We need a basket, daughter 2 said. I looked at her incredulously. I shook my head. I’m not carrying a basket, I said. It would just be far too embarrassing. She shot me a look.

I waved my I phone confidently over the payment screen. This was only my second successful attempt at using Apple Pay. Up until then, when I tried, I could never get it to work and as the queues would form, I would get more and more flustered and give up. Then the other day, daughter 1 was with me and with the voice of a nursery school teacher showing a small child, she explained that I was holding my phone on the wrong side. Finally, success!

Daughter 2’s bag of holiday goodies sat at the checkout, as she sauntered out the door. Don’t forget your bag! I called to her. Can you carry it? She retorted. Some of the stuff’s yours. One solitary bottle of Radox Muscle Soak was mine, in amongst a mound of her requirements. I’m guessing that it would be mortifying for her should she bump into someone from school carrying a Superdrug bag…I left it there and walked off.

I’m not sure that the trip was quite the bonding trip with her that I had hoped for. One thing I have learnt with kids though, whatever their ages: lower all expectations, but hang on to love…oh and a basket.

If you enjoy my blog, I would be very grateful if you voted for me in the Mumsnet Blogging Awards: Best Writer and best Comic Writer categories. It is a quick one – takes seconds and here’s the link, thank you 🙂http://www.mumsnet.com/events/blogging-awards/2016

Wolf whistling is to become a crime. Well, good. It’s not just a bit of a laff. It’s not funny. It’s not harmless. The reason that I can say this with such certainty is because I am a woman. I’ll tell you how it has made me feel in the past: frightened to leave the house, hugely intimidated, incredibly embarrassed.

It is undoubtedly worse for teenagers. As I got older, they no longer intimidated me, they just irritated the hell out of me. I never want my girls to feel intimidated. I want them to be empowered. They are all black belts in Taekwon-do and through the martial art we are teaching them how to be strong and fit and how to use their bodies and their strength in the most effective way to keep control in any given situation. However, even with this knowledge, I know that as females they are still incredibly vulnerable.

It’s not just the unwanted attention from men. I worry about teenage boys’ attitudes to girls. I worry because I know how influenced boys are now by on-line porn. I know that this gives the boys unrealistic expectations of what girls will do and do the boys actually care what the girls want? I actually wonder whether girls and boys know how to communicate with each other any more. I know that boys can be hard to drag off their X boxes. My step-daughter told me that most of her friends at Uni are using Tinder. At Uni?! I nearly fell off my chair! If there was one place you could always guarantee to pick someone up it was in the Student Union Bar. What’s the world coming to?

There has definitely been a huge cultural shift since I was a teenager and I just don’t get it. I’m not saying that I should, nor that I want to, but equally I don’t want my girls to grow up feeling powerless.

I recently came across this vlog by Nicole Arbour. In it she talks about how modern dating is fucked. She swears a lot in it, but her message is a valid one and it’s one that is bothering me too. Check her vlog out, here’s the link (but if you have kids at home, you might want to use earphones).

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2016/05/05/is-modern-dating-fuked-vlogger-nicole-arbour-exposes-a-harsh-reality/

To be honest, her view on dating makes me feel that no-one is really feeling empowered any more. I get the impression that someone needs to take control of this situation. Things need to change. I’m too bloody old to change anything, but I want to give my girls the feeling that they are in control and if we all empower our kids in this way, perhaps effective communication between young people will resume.

If you enjoy my blog, I would be very grateful if you voted for me in the Mumsnet Blogging Awards: Best Writer and best Comic Writer categories. It is a quick one – takes seconds and here’s the link, thank you 🙂

http://www.mumsnet.com/events/blogging-awards/2016

Yesterday, I published a post about the female body, following an article published in a magazine that talked about how nowadays we are celebrating the female curves and being ‘beach body ready’ doesn’t mean that you have to diet. Here’s the link to my post:

http://madhousemum.com/2016/07/10/setting-benchmark-beach/

Lots of people have made some really interesting comments about it. One that really resonated with me was a lady who talked about how she is trying to ensure that her children don’t grow up with hang ups about their bodies: “If anyone talks about ‘bikini bodies’ in front of my daughters, I will have words”, she says in her comments.

This got me thinking about how I approach this issue with my four daughters. My step daughter and therefore unfortunately for her, my guinea pig to raising teenage girls, never seemed to talk about dieting. She always appeared to have a healthy approach to eating, whilst of course still shoving all the usual crap down her neck, from time to time. Her weight, fitness and strength was never a point of conversation, as she trained hard at her Taekwon-do. I didn’t really have any need to give body image issues a thought.

This year, daughters 1 and 2 are going on holiday with friends. Since January, daughter 1 has been on a healthy eating diet, which, to be honest, has been a bit of a faff. I’ve tried to accommodate her requests for this and that, but it can be a pain in a big family. Now that their holidays are fast approaching, both daughters are talking about dieting. Now, I’ll be honest, until I read the lady’s comment yesterday, I didn’t give their talk of diets a great deal of thought, other than: oh god, more faff! I also thought to myself: well, we can all go on a diet then. Generally, I don’t really diet. I have always talked to the girls about healthy eating and a balanced approach to their food consumption. I do know that I am a role model to them and always try to lead by example. I don’t get hung up about the way I look and my cupboard isn’t full of out of date packets of Weight Watchers food or nutritional shakes that are gathering dust.

A few days ago daughter 3 made the comment to me that someone had said that she has a six pack. She was made up about it. She loves her sports and this is one of the ultimate prizes for an athlete. Then I read the lady’s comments in response to my post, in which she also makes the point that our bodies are not for show. This lady’s attitude in her thoughts seemed so balanced, it made me question how I should be responding to my daughters when they talk about their body image. The weight of responsibility feels so huge.

My thoughts then extended to my Ladies’ Taekwon-do class, in which I make motivational comments through grueling exercises like: come on ladies, not long until we’ll be getting in to our bikinis! I suddenly found myself questioning whether this is perhaps the wrong thing to say? I work in the fitness industry. Part of my job is to get people fitter. It matters not what size or shape they are, my goal is to make them stronger. Yet by making the comment about the ‘bikini body’, am I projecting the wrong image? By accommodating my daughters’ dieting, am I feeding an obsession with their body image?

I think it is easy to over analyse. Because as parents we have such a huge responsibility on our shoulders, it is easy to worry too much. The problem is, we too are living in this world where we are surrounded by issues of diet, health and how we should look. This creates our own insecurities, which we must be so mindful not to pass on to our children.

Perhaps when we talk about being, ‘beach body ready’ we need to focus on our strength and our health. I’ve got to be honest with you though, having four daughters who are brought up in a tsunami of social media with its narcissistic obsession of self image, I feel as if I am being engulfed by the wave and am just trying to keep my head above the water.

If you enjoy my blog, I would be very grateful if you voted for me in the Mumsnet Blogging Awards: Best Writer and best Comic Writer categories. It is a quick one – takes seconds and here’s the link, thank you 🙂

http://www.mumsnet.com/events/blogging-awards/2016

Yesterday, partner and I found ourselves driving through North London with a car full of teenagers. There was the initial, predictable dialogue of: you go in the back, it’s your turn, I don’t want to go in the back, I feel sick in the back…I used to screech at them at this point, now I zone out, because somebody does always end up going in the back, without parental intervention. After this, they all plugged themselves in to some device or other and things quietened down.

That is, until we were driving down a particular road in North London, where there were huge numbers of Orthodox Jews, going about their Sunday morning business. The teenagers all suddenly sat up and observed. They unplugged themselves and within seconds they were interested in what was going on outside. They were sparking comments off one another, as they were completely mesmorised by the scene that was taking place in front of them. To the teenagers in the car, it was a scene from another culture. They were witnessing a style that they weren’t at all used to. I’ll be honest, I was waiting for the derogatory comments to ensue, as teenagers can be brutal when faced with a look that doesn’t fit in with their idea of normal. However, there was none of that. Instead, they were interested in why the men were dressed the way they were and why the young boys had long ringlets at each side of their head.

You may wonder why I was surprised by the girls’ reaction. If you have toddlers you will be all too familiar with them being interested and excited by things they see that are new to them and all the questions that follow. I suppose that it made me realise how little I see the girls get really engaged and excited about things. I don’t think that this reflects the reality. I am sure that they do get fired up by the world around them, but I also think that they share that energy and enthusiasm with their friends, and as parents of teenagers what we see far more of, is their less enthusiastic side.

Until we came across the Orthodox Jews, I hadn’t given this a thought. I had thought that daughter 1 can be irritable with her sisters. That daughter 2 seems more serious these days. That daughter 3 niggles at daughter 4 and that daughter 4 gets very angry back.

Now I think about it, this is what being a teenager is all about. It’s like they are on a sugar rush with their friends and a blood sugar low with their family. Don’t get me wrong: there isn’t a day that goes by without a package from ASOS or China being squeezed through the letterbox – another bikini top/make-up brush/phone case causes squeals of delight. However, it was their excitement and interest at the world outside their world that I loved seeing and I’m so glad that I got the chance to witness it.

If you enjoy my blog, I would be very grateful if you voted for me in the Mumsnet Blogging Awards: Best Writer and best Comic Writer categories. It is a quick one – takes seconds and here’s the link, thank you 🙂

http://www.mumsnet.com/events/blogging-awards/2016

When my kids were younger, there were times that I was incredibly proud of my parenting. I wanted recognition. I wanted a boss and an appraisal scheme. I wanted to be called into HR and told by a lovely person with a huge smile what an amazing job everyone thinks I am doing. I wanted to get employee of the month and get taken out for drinks on a Friday night to celebrate the week I’d just had. I wanted to stand at the bar, getting back slaps and hi fives. I was desperate for all my hard work and achievements of that week to be acknowledged.

Now the girls are tween/teenagers, whether I like it or not, they are my HR personnel. They are the vocal judges of my parenting skills. They are the ones who very occasionally will tell me with a big smile that I am getting it right, but will also make me feel and quite often tell me that I am getting it wrong.

We were sitting having a family meal the other day, when their uncle asked them directly, “is she a good mum?” They squirmed with discomfort and didn’t seem to know what to say. I was metaphorically kicking them under the table: ‘say “yes” goddamn it, please say yes.’

“Sometimes”, daughter 1 replied.

“Like when?” their uncle continued.

“Erm, I can’t think of any examples”, she said.

I was crushed by her words. Gone were my hopes of celebratory drinks. No pats on the back or hi fives for me. All my hard work: my taxi driving, my hugs, my support, my cooking, the cleaning and the washing on a 24 hour turn around – none of this really seemed, in that instant, to matter.

Yesterday, it was raining and I thought I would swing by the station on my way home from work to pick the girls up, as I was almost passing and I knew that they didn’t have coats. (Why would any teenager ever need a coat…ever? I mean, really mum!) In the car daughter 1 said to me: “you see this is what I meant when I said ‘sometimes’. You never normally pick us up, but today you did and I’m surprised, but this is the kind of lovely thing you do, sometimes.”

She gave me the biggest smile. I smiled back. I think that I know what she meant and I took it as a great, big hi five.