Sneezes

I have a policy that I will only say ‘bless you’ to two sneezes, after that they get irritating.

I know that I would make a dreadful nurse… Partly because partner is always telling me so.

I find coughing really irritating too, along with sniffing. Right neighbour has had a cough for, what seems like months. I can hear it every time I lie in bed to go to sleep. I’d have left him by now, I whisper to partner. Partner says nothing. He is used to my complete lack of sympathy for humankind.

Dog 1 reacts to sneezes faster than he does to a treat. Yesterday, partner and I looked as though we were bringing a plane in to land, as we both used various hand signals to get him to sit. He ignored us. Conversely, when someone sneezes, he stops whatever mischief he is causing, sits bolt upright and cocks his head sympathetically to one side.

This came in particularly useful on our dog walk this morning. It was foggy. Dog 1 and dog 2 are both white. I can’t see the footballers this morning, I said to partner, so let’s just let the dogs run around the rec, rather than braving the muddy fields behind. The dogs disappeared – recall training is work in progress. I heard a commotion. It sounded like the noise of children screaming as they go down a roller coaster. Instinctively we run towards the noise and as we get through the fog we see about 25 five year old footballers, plus parents, plus coaches, running, either away from, or towards dog 1 and dog 2, depending whether they were adult or child. Dog 1 and dog 2, being puppies still, despite looking like large dogs to a five year old, thought this was the most amazing dog walk we had ever taken them on and were having the time of their lives. They had taken the ball and were merrily chasing it around the pitch. Partner and my arrival on the chaotic scene did absolutely nothing to improve the situation, as both dogs were in doggy heaven. Until, cutting straight through the screams and our shouting, one of the footballers sneezed. Dog 1 stopped, sat down and cocked his head to one side. Dog 2 followed. Partner and I scrambled for their leads and hot footed it, after sincere apologies, to Waitrose, where the free coffee has never tasted so good.