I hate technology. Mainly because it makes me feel old, but I’m also a control freak and I feel out of control. Partner consults me on updating some piece of equipment or other and I just nod and say a vague ok. Next thing I know it’s another thing that I cannot work, usually black and box shaped and it intimidates me. I try not to let it. I’m a fifth degree black belt. I teach my three year old students how not to be intimidated: shoulders back, look it straight in the eye. C’mon, I can do this. But I can’t and I end up shouting to a daughter for help and using the word fuck a lot while I’m waiting for her to appear. 

Daughters have been wondering why I haven’t set up my thumb print and Apple Pay on my phone. So this morning I thought, c’mon I can do this. So I just did. It’s easy. I feel smug. I go to use my phone. My thumb print doesn’t work. I swear to partner rather than at him and he quickly takes the phone and removes the thumb print password. This, for some reason known only to Apple, removes the Apple Pay. I swear at and to partner. He retreats to a hiding place. I say fuck a few times then call for a daughter. This is my life. I can’t keep up. I want to go back to cash in hand, four channels on the telly and Betamax. I want to go back to feeling in control. Shoulders back, looking technology squarely in the eye and winning.

Thanks to daughters I now have more thumb prints on my phone than a five pound note…except my own. My own thumb still won’t work. That’s because you’ve got manky thumbs, daughter 1 said. You can use your toe, daughter 4 said helpfully. I settled for my middle finger – which is exactly what I want to stick up at technology. 


Was that ‘Apple Pay’ or ‘Apple Pie’?

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