I shared this article the other day:
It basically tells us how we are fucking up our kids, without meaning to. Parenting is a bloody mine field and I think we can safely say that we all feel like failures at it, a lot of the time. Just when we feel that things are chugging along pretty well, a teenage hormone or a toddler tantrum will throw us a curve ball and leave us thinking wtf happened?
Here is a quick summary of the 6 points it raises, for those of you who are too busy dealing with every day shit to read the article:
What we do wrong: number 1:
When our kids are upset by something, we get upset, which makes them even more upset.
What we should be doing:
Never showing that their problem is worrying us: listen, support and advise. Hold on to that bottom lip when the hamster dies.
What we do wrong number 2:
We get involved in their problems and try to solve them on their behalf
What we should be doing:
Not resolving their issues behind their back and finding a solution they can put into place without us needing to get involved. Hang fire on shooting off the e mail to the french teacher, telling her that her teaching is a pile of ‘merde’.
What we are doing wrong number 3:
Trying to help with things our kids are bad at, thus focusing on their negatives
What we should be doing:
Focusing on the things they are good at to develop their confidence, which may then have an impact on their weak areas. Resist the tutor, resist, resist!
What we are doing wrong number 4:
Creating high expectations that turn into pressures
What we should be doing:
Not making their achievements a reason to constantly expect more and more from them, so that what they enjoy becomes too pressurised. ‘You did a forward roll, sweetheart, let’s get you on those high bars. No, darling, don’t look down!’
What we are doing wrong number 5:
Having values that are too high.
What we should be doing:
Letting our kids know that we have these values, but we still understand that they will fuck up, just like we did at their age. Snakebite and blacks, that’s all I’m saying…
What we are doing wrong number 6:
Hiding our own worries from our children
What we should be doing:
Being honest about shit that’s happening, so that they learn from us strategies for dealing with it.
Kids’ mental health is being talked about all the time at the moment. Being mum to four girls, a step daughter and a step son feels like such a huge responsibility. None of us want to get it wrong, but I am often left feeling whether I really am getting it right. I watch them all growing and achieving and I have to tell myself to look at the bigger picture, rather than focus on the minutiae – which, let’s face it, from one minute to another can be pretty hard to deal with.
It’s so true – and I think the fact that I read this thinking about how my own parents messed up rather than thinking about how I will or won’t mess up as a parent just goes to prove that really, adults aren’t always so sorted – we are still somebody’s kid ourselves and we will make mistakes just as our own children will. I think the pints raised in the article give some great advice on how to minimise our mess ups though! #Fartglitter
Yes, it’s definitely a case of, ‘minimising the mess ups’, rather than eliminating them! Thanks for connecting via #fartglitter
We’re all just doing our best, but I think Philip Larkin was spot on when he said that that your parents fuck you up even though they don’t mean too.
So true! Thanks for connecting 🙂
Goodness it IS a minefield – I love this and have shared on Twitter! #marvmondays
Hi Natalie, thanks for linking up and a big thank you for the share 🙂
Sorry I meant #fartglitter!!
Gets confusing, doesn’t it?!
Really like that you’ve summarised these points. I think I have a constant inner monologue about my performance as a parent! These are a great reminder of strategies to use. #fartglitter
Thank you. I did it because it can be a right faff having to follow and read a link! I’d often far rather it all in a nut shell 🙂 Thank you for commenting.
I think no matter how hard we try we’re going to get some things wrong (maybe a few, maybe a ton!) and the best thing we can do is check in with our kids and ask them how they feel and hope that they can tell us. And thanks for summarizing that link, so much better than having to read through it. 😀
#FartGlitter
I can’t be arsed with a lot of articles on parenting, that end up just making you feel like a shit mother, but I thought this one made some sense! I agree that communication is definitely key. Thanks for your comments x
I avoid these type of articles like the plague. I’m doing a fan job of spotting my parental failings without a stranger adding to my load. Those ideas you’ve summarized seem achievaavle though. I’ll bear it in mind- thanks x
#fartglitter
Yes, I know what you mean…professional overload. That’s why I thought I’d try and simplify it! So many articles on parenting just make you feel like a crap mother, but this one seemed to make sense! Thank you for your comments x