Two Tits are fun, Four are a Crowd

In a previous blog: Wattle happen Next? I discussed the fleshy part that can appear on both a turkey and a woman (and probably on Turkish women). It is the bit of you, that if left unchecked, can get rather unruly and swing like a pendulum when you laugh a lot. I don’t think that my blog offered a Zoella-like answer to this age related onslaught to beauty. However, I would happily commiserate with you, should you own a turtle neck, over a bottle of wine, which usually gives us all some perspective…actually, no it doesn’t. It just makes us care less. I could also lend you a scarf.

                     Zoella – checking to see whether she has the dreaded sideboobs

Yesterday’s blog tackled the issue of bunions and from your comments, I can now see that I am not the only person around with ugly feet. One of you mentioned the fact that with the better weather the flip flops can re-emerge. Hoorah! Except that mine did on Friday morning and by Friday afternoon I found one in Dog 2’s gob. Saturday morning my spare pair were dragged out from the back of the wardrobe. On Saturday evening I was reminded that Dog 2 chews flip flops.

                                                    Dog 2 mid flip flop chew

Today’s beauty blog (move over Zoella, love. I’ve got experience on my side) is going to talk about armpit fat, axillary breasts – underarm boobs for want of a better description. Normally hidden during the darker months, one can easily forget about them. Then, out comes the sun and bang! Just when you thought it was ok to get into a vest top to get a bit of a tan going on the shoulders, these two anti-beauties bulge out and ruin the view. Breasts can be pumped up and shaped into lascivious bundles of gorgeousness with the help of a good bra. But what can be done with these extra tits? Where can they be shoved? You can try and push them under your spaghetti straps all you like, but those bulging little buggers pop back out, every bloody time. In the end, all you can do is sigh and give yourself a bit more cleavage in the vain hope that it will act as a diversion.

             Quick – someone tell her to plump up her cleavage: distract! Distract!

So what little gem of hope can I offer you about these ugly fuckers? Firstly, make sure you have a well fitting bra. Secondly…no, I’m afraid there is no other solution but liposuction and the knife. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Save your shoulders from the perils of skin cancer and wear a t shirt. If you are resolute in your wearing of a vest: push and poke and prod with impunity.

Tomorrow’s beauty blog will tackle every woman’s’ favourite: bingo wings. What do you mean, Zoella blogs about nice things, like how to shape your eyebrows and the best way to apply blusher? Well, come on ladies, one of us has to be at the coal face of the havoc that oestrogen wreaks on our bodies. When you strip all that make up away, it’s what we’re left with that we need to face head on (no wonder we all drink too much bloody wine…)

                     Yay! You can’t see the extra pillows, wattle or bingo wings now!