I’ve got no Klout (unless you want advice on toothbrushes)

*in case you are reading this out loud with a small child, or you are my mum – this contains some swearing*

I had to laugh today, when I received (yet another) e mail from Klout. Please can I take a quick moment to ask my non-blogger buddies: have you EVER heard of Klout? Until two days ago, I hadn’t and for a blogger, I think that’s bad. I’d read a few blogs that had been mentioning Klout and I felt very strongly that this was something that I should know about. It sounded important. So I googled it and found out that: “Klout is a website that uses social media analytics to rank its users according to online social influence via the Klout Score.” I ventured slightly further and suddenly found that I had not only signed up, but I had my very own Klout Score. It’s measured between 1 and 100, with 100 being Zoella (I actually have no idea what score Zoella has, nor do I give a shit). Think of a number between 10 and 11 and you’ve got my score 2 days ago. Today that number has gone up to 53 – it’s a fickle business this blogging lark. Perhaps it’s reflecting the blood, sweat and partner’s tears that I’m putting into Twitter…or perhaps I’ve read the stats wrong.

Anyway, back to that e mail I received from Klout today.

I’M A FUCKING EXPERT!!! And not only in one or two areas…IN 9!!! It said, ‘congratulations’, so I thought it meant something. I thought that maybe it had detected an expertise in parenting, or picking wet towels up from floors, but no. I’M A FUCKING EXPERT IN TOOTHBRUSHES!!!

In addition to this bombshell, being an expert in Gordan Ramsay didn’t exactly excite me, as I know sod all about the bloke, except that he swears a helluva lot more than me. I will give Klout some respect, however, on picking up on my expertise in ‘Martial Arts’ and ‘Divorce’. Both of which I do know quite a lot about.

Blogging is so much more than just, well…blogging. It’s SEO, RSS, MOZ (careful – it bites). It’s complicated shit for a technophobe like me. I belong to a different age: 3 TV channels and then OMG along came that weird and arty channel 4 and everyone went ooohhh! There’s lots of debate now about parents being under the influence of a mobile phone, whilst in charge of a child. NO SUCH LUCK FOR ME. I was stuck with the bloody kids all day, with no respite and 4 of them. 4 kids under the age of 5 and no mobile phone to keep me company and get me through the crap. No Facebook or Twitter to break up the monotony of days on end with only snot and poo for company. I know – if you are just a few years younger, you can’t imagine it, can you?

Just like I can’t imagine ever getting my head around all those analytical tools. I think that I’ll just stick to what I’m good at. So if you want to know whether to go for a medium or soft bristle, you’ve come to the right place.