When my kids were younger, there were times that I was incredibly proud of my parenting. I wanted recognition. I wanted a boss and an appraisal scheme. I wanted to be called into HR and told by a lovely person with a huge smile what an amazing job everyone thinks I am doing. I wanted to get employee of the month and get taken out for drinks on a Friday night to celebrate the week I’d just had. I wanted to stand at the bar, getting back slaps and hi fives. I was desperate for all my hard work and achievements of that week to be acknowledged.
Now the girls are tween/teenagers, whether I like it or not, they are my HR personnel. They are the vocal judges of my parenting skills. They are the ones who very occasionally will tell me with a big smile that I am getting it right, but will also make me feel and quite often tell me that I am getting it wrong.
We were sitting having a family meal the other day, when their uncle asked them directly, “is she a good mum?” They squirmed with discomfort and didn’t seem to know what to say. I was metaphorically kicking them under the table: ‘say “yes” goddamn it, please say yes.’
“Sometimes”, daughter 1 replied.
“Like when?” their uncle continued.
“Erm, I can’t think of any examples”, she said.
I was crushed by her words. Gone were my hopes of celebratory drinks. No pats on the back or hi fives for me. All my hard work: my taxi driving, my hugs, my support, my cooking, the cleaning and the washing on a 24 hour turn around – none of this really seemed, in that instant, to matter.
Yesterday, it was raining and I thought I would swing by the station on my way home from work to pick the girls up, as I was almost passing and I knew that they didn’t have coats. (Why would any teenager ever need a coat…ever? I mean, really mum!) In the car daughter 1 said to me: “you see this is what I meant when I said ‘sometimes’. You never normally pick us up, but today you did and I’m surprised, but this is the kind of lovely thing you do, sometimes.”
She gave me the biggest smile. I smiled back. I think that I know what she meant and I took it as a great, big hi five.
That’s lovely! You have to take the compliments when they come because they’re very rare indeed! I don’t think my 15yo son has complimented me in tears. To be honest, he’s hardly even said thank you for anything. Luckily my 10yo and 12yo still appreciate me, but I know that won’t be forever!
*years not tears
I think boys are very different to girls, but then again, all my girls are very different. Let’s hope they all come good in the end! Thank you for your comments.
That’s so lovely! To get any sort of positive recognition from a teenage girl is highly impressive! go you! #momsterslink
Ah, thank you! Lovely comments.
Alison, Alison, Alison. I never took you as being such a worrier. You’re doing a great job because you doing it your way. Don’t fret. I work on the principle that I get some of it right and some of it wrong. Getting it wrong teaches the kids lessons too. They know I’m human. The trick is to accept that they need to learn how imperfect the world is. If we create a perfect bubble, they’ll struggle later on. Quite frankly, I think I’m as good and bad as a Dad as I am as a human. ‘Fraid that’s about as good as it gets. They know I love them and I do my best.
Perhaps my inner self comes out when I write! I’m actually a really deep and sensitive person…haha!
This takes me back to my teenage years when my sister and I weren’t always the most appreciative of my Mom. Like you you she deserved an award committee for being such a great Mom but we didn’t know it at the time! It’s a teenage girl thing. Great post 🙂
Oh I know and when I say that to them with my bottom lip out they basically tell me I’m attention seeking! Thank you for your comments.
This made me smile – thank you! Mum to 3 under 5 so yes, I’d quite like HR to call and give me a pat on the back 🙂 #brilliantblogs
Haha as someone who works in HR I would love to pull people in the office and give them a hi-five, sadly all we seem to do is tell them off!! I reckon said daughter was a bit put on the spot by her uncle and she loves you dearly, teenagers are tricky I can tell you. I used to be one! Welldone mumma! #momsterslink
Yes HR must be a tricky job…where’s that ‘big smile’?! Thank you for commenting.
Here is your appraisal, go get those Friday night drinks. I am giving you a pat on the back and saying well done. Apparently your promotion isn’t until the children are parents themselves. Then you get promoted to grandma so in told! Keep smiling your doing a great job.
That’s so true! Thank you for commenting:)
Wouldn’t it be lovely to have that recognition sometimes for all the hard work and effort we do as parents? I do love the way your daughter clarified her reasons for you sometimes being a good mum – those little day-to-day things we all do are so easy to take for granted but it is those moments when we really go out of our way which get noticed – the day-to-day is what makes you a good mum, but the other things make you an amazing mum 🙂 #fortheloveofBLOG
Thank you for your thoughtful comments – very much appreciated.
I have two under two so at the minute I don’t get any answers back. This post really made me smile and think that I have all of this to come! I will start preparing myself now, haha!
#brillblogposts
You’re as mad as I was! 2 under 2, then 3 and before you know it, you’ll have 4 under 5! Those close gaps work brilliantly 🙂 I’m glad it made you smile x
I’m glad she realized and gave you the high five- but my heart was crushed along with yours and I’m sure will be by mine own in due time. Lol
Ah, thank you for your comments. Yes, be prepared…but they are lovely too 🙂
This is so sweet and I wasn’t expecting it! Teenagers are cuties too!
#fortheloveofBlog
Thank you and yes, they are 🙂
That’s lovely, and it’s great to feel appreciated by your children. Thinking about, and thinking about my own Mum, when I was a teenager I think I would have answered with “sometimes” but looking back now she was and is a fantastic Mum. You’ve got me thinking that I need to show my daughter that I’m a fantastic Mum, so that one day she tells me. You are a brilliant Mum, don’t put yourself down. Thanks so much for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x
Thank you for your comments. I think what’s important is that we are their mum and not their friend. That way a ‘sometimes’ is heartfelt, but they have an independent mind and spirit. They feel secure enough to reply ‘sometimes’.
I have 2 teenage stepsons. Well actually one is officially an adult now and will be shipping off to boot camp. I’ve raised both of them since they were 8 and 10 and their mother has never been present except to make them feel guilty for her own wrong doing. They’ve never called me mom. I told them long ago that I didn’t expect them too but now after all these years I almost long for it. But I’ll never admit it. I have 3 of my own who at 4,5 and 6 still think I hang the moon and call me mommy. Great post. We as mothers deserve all the high five moments we can get. Thank you for linking up with #momsterslink
A fab post you really have to take praise when t happens which is not often especially in my house love this #tweensteenbeyond
Thank you Nige.
Aaawww I thought I was the only one who wanted a well done certificate and a gold star for parenting recognition!! The occasional high 5 from the teens when it’s their fave dinner is as good as it gets, and actually I’ll take that!! #TweensTeensBeyond
The occasional thanks just means a ridiculous amount to us, doesn’t it? Thank you for your comments.
Oh I completely get this emotion. I don’t feel like my appraisal would be that great at the moment! The fact that I’m writing a post on becoming a relief worker probably speak volumes about my wanting to be needed where my role would be appreciated! #TweensTeensBeyond
It sounds as if you’ve been busy with ill teens in your house, which is going to test you to your limits. A relief worker may give you some relief! I shall look forward to your post and hope everyone gets better soon x
Love this Alison! Yes, you really do have to extract those words of encouragement don’t you. Like you, I take the praise and high five myself even if there is only a sniff of a compliment because us mums have to take our moments where we can. I’ve been through the same scene many a time at the table. Quite often that results in an unfair appraisal and a ‘could do better’! I do genuinely believe (as others have said) that you don’t appreciate your parents until you are older. For now though, those little compliments will have to keep us on the straight and narrow. If it were a real life HR situation, we’d be terribly confused wouldn’t we. No doubt there would be a little tick in the box for ‘Working Within Required Grade’! Thanks so much for supporting us in the first week of #TweensTeensBeyond. Nicky
We certainly would be confused and very pissed off! We are just so tolerant and accepting of our lot as parents, I feel! Easily pleased in some ways. Good luck with the linky.
Alison as I was reading this I was willing there to be a happy ending and there was! Hi five to that. I love that your daughter recalled the “sometimes” comment by way of an apology. Roll on Mother’s Day! It always ends in disaster in my house with the teens squabbling “out of ear shot” as to what it is they need to do to show how grateful they are for me being a great mum. Can’t wait! Thanks for joining us. If you weren’t too traumatised by the badge scenario, I hope you will come back next week.#TweensTeensBeyond
Thank you for your comments. Mother’s Day, yes (eyeball roll ) arguing over which present to buy me and how much to spend). Well done with this linky and I’ll be back 🙂
Here is your virtual appraisal and you have passed with flying colours! Not only are you a fab Mum but you can write about it so dam well! I know exactly how you feel. If I hear my teens mentioning something good that another parent has done, I immediately take it as an implied criticism of me! Talk about being a needy parent!! I really need to get a grip. No-one can undermine your self-esteem quite like a teen! Thanks so much for linking up this fab post at #TweensTeensBeyond. Looking forward to reading more next week. 🙂
Thank you for your fab comments, Sharon. Daughter 2 did a great put down on me this morning. She was almost goading me to take the bait…and I did. So my appraisal today is pretty poor! I’ll definitely be back with you. Well done on getting this off the ground – respect x
Oh yes, my tweenger is partly my biggest critique and also my biggest ally, it’s sometimes a fine line to walk. Sounds to me like you are doing a fab job though!
#teenstweensandbeyond
Ah thank you 🙂 It certainly is a tightrope with this age.