When I hear a cry of: Mu’um! approaching my bedroom when I’ve just got out the shower, I now administer a sharp warning to the approaching teenager that I’m naked. I’ve been caught out too many times over the past few years and I’ve had my fill of teenage girls’ faces contorted in disgust at the sight of their mother with no clothes on. I don’t think that it’s because of the state of my body particularly. I think if you asked them they’d agree that it’s just the mere fact that I am their mother and I am naked, just as they would no longer stand in front of me with no clothes on. We’re not naturists, it’s all perfectly normal. Which is why when I heard that Jamie Oliver’s two teenage daughters witnessed their 5th baby being born and cut the cord, I was just a little skeptical. I mean, I think my teenage girls would rather kiss my butt than watch another sibling appear from my fanny.
Anyhow, if they did enter my bedroom, they may be in severe danger of catching me perfecting my ‘bikini pose’. Oh yes, nothing escapes me. I’ve seen it on Instagram over and over again since July. On every beach, in every country all over the world, teenagers are taking a stance: not a stance on the abolishment of student grants and rising tuition fees you understand. No, the bikini stance: facing the camera with one leg about a foot further forward than the other with your arse stuck out so far that the small of your back is crying. When I first saw it I thought it looked a little strange – as if they have a problem with their hips. Then I thought to myself: if they’re all at it there must be something in it. So I tried it in front of the mirror this morning. “You put your left leg in, your left leg out. You do the bikini pose to stop it all hanging out!” I found myself humming to myself, as I practised it a few times to get it right and now I know! I know why they do it! I have discovered the teenagers’ secret weapon that they need in their armory with so many selfies constantly taken around swimming pools and being shared immediately on social media: it pulls the tummy tight – try it! Drop what you are doing right now, find a mirror and strike the bikini pose. Join the revolution! No need to shy away from that selfie stick looming over your head as you’re trying to read your magazine. Leap off your lounger, stick one foot in front of the other and stick your bum out. Hell, go the whole hog and do the peace sign. You are going to thank me for this! No more groans as you look back at those holiday snaps, just a beautiful tummy stretched out like a piece of old knicker elastic.
I’m going to spend this afternoon trawling through Instagram for ways in which I can deal with a fat arse. Watch this space!