Bikini Pose

When I hear a cry of: Mu’um! approaching my bedroom when I’ve just got out the shower, I now administer a sharp warning to the approaching teenager that I’m naked. I’ve been caught out too many times over the past few years and I’ve had my fill of teenage girls’ faces contorted in disgust at the sight of their mother with no clothes on. I don’t think that it’s because of the state of my body particularly. I think if you asked them they’d agree that it’s just the mere fact that I am their mother and I am naked, just as they would no longer stand in front of me with no clothes on. We’re not naturists, it’s all perfectly normal. Which is why when I heard that Jamie Oliver’s two teenage daughters witnessed their 5th baby being born and cut the cord, I was just a little skeptical. I mean, I think my teenage girls would rather kiss my butt than watch another sibling appear from my fanny.

Anyhow, if they did enter my bedroom, they may be in severe danger of catching me perfecting my ‘bikini pose’. Oh yes, nothing escapes me. I’ve seen it on Instagram over and over again since July. On every beach, in every country all over the world, teenagers are taking a stance: not a stance on the abolishment of student grants and rising tuition fees you understand. No, the bikini stance: facing the camera with one leg about a foot further forward than the other with your arse stuck out so far that the small of your back is crying. When I first saw it I thought it looked a little strange – as if they have a problem with their hips. Then I thought to myself: if they’re all at it there must be something in it. So I tried it in front of the mirror this morning. “You put your left leg in, your left leg out. You do the bikini pose to stop it all hanging out!” I found myself humming to myself, as I practised it a few times to get it right and now I know! I know why they do it! I have discovered the teenagers’ secret weapon that they need in their armory with so many selfies constantly taken around swimming pools and being shared immediately on social media: it pulls the tummy tight – try it! Drop what you are doing right now, find a mirror and strike the bikini pose. Join the revolution! No need to shy away from that selfie stick looming over your head as you’re trying to read your magazine. Leap off your lounger, stick one foot in front of the other and stick your bum out. Hell, go the whole hog and do the peace sign. You are going to thank me for this! No more groans as you look back at those holiday snaps, just a beautiful tummy stretched out like a piece of old knicker elastic. 

I’m going to spend this afternoon trawling through Instagram for ways in which I can deal with a fat arse. Watch this space! 

38 thoughts on “Bikini Pose”

  1. I love it, but no sure anything could make my tummy look good My boys are still young and ask some great questions if they see me nakkie. Poor mummy # bloggerclubuk

  2. I abandoned the idea of “me in a bikini” a long time ago. Then every year I go away and look at the vast array of different shapes and sizes in bikinis, I think “Why do I worry?” I think we are too self-aware in the UK and should just let it all go…with perfect posturing of course!!! #BloggerClubUK

  3. Hahah I love it! I don’t really do bikinis, but I will try and remember this pose for the next time I am in swimwear – genius! That picture though #ablogginggoodtime

  4. This is hilarious! The bikini pose! I have a few other tips from the model daughter – pull your elbows in as close to waist as possible and this makes you look heaps skinnier and also push your bottom back so that your legs look skinnier and longer and you get more of a thigh gap – I can’t say I look good doing these – more hilarious but may be worth trying in the mirror once you’ve done the bikini pose! #ablogginggoodtime

  5. Ahahaaha the bikini pose! Brilliant. My 7 year-old who was sat on my bed yesterday reading her book as I had a shower, told me off when I was getting dressed for being naked! In my own bedroom! Rudeness. I need to try this bikini pose. I need to go and find a mirror right now! Thanks for linking up with us at #FridayFrolics 🙂 xx

  6. Love it.We are still at the no inhibitions whatsever stage. So much so that we had friends over for dinner the other night, the big one entered the dining room to tell us he was too hot to sleep. He did so completely naked without a care in the world! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  7. Jamie Oliver’s eldest kids are TEENAGERS now?? I thought they were still about 5! My eldest saw the birth of my youngest, but that was accidental & she was 1!

    Haha – I have my own cunning way of dealing with the bikini photo dilemma: don’t wear swimwear & don’t appear in photos! But I will remember this tip if both of those precautions ever fail me!

    Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics! Hope to see you next time.

  8. Oh I am having a blast reading your blog posts today, this is how I am spending my Sunday addicted to reading your blog!! You are making me laugh and I was not expecting that photo at the end!!! Cracked me up! I’ll have to try this pose lol

    1. So glad I’m making you laugh – that makes me very happy too 🙂 Have you tried it yet?! I’m off on a beach holiday tomorrow, so will be practising it today! xx

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