So Fucking What?

According to research (shudder – don’t switch off) we would be happier, healthier and slimmer if we listened to our body clocks. (The Times, September 17th, 2016)

What an absolute crock of shite. Yes, two fingers up to spontaneity in life: that quick fuck, cheeky glass of wine at 5 or frothy cappuccino mid-morning. For Christ’s sake peoples, what the hell are you thinking?! Listen to your bodies’ natural daily cycle or you will be sad, unhealthy and fat. 

Shit, things don’t really get much better, do they?

The perfect time to wake up is 7.22am
Oh well, that’s it then. Sorry kids: get yourselves sorted because Mummy’s stress hormones dictate that she mustn’t wake up until 7.22. Don’t you DARE come into my bedroom at 7.20am BECAUSE I’LL GET FAT!

Only drink coffee at 3pm
This may help to get you through the afternoon school run, but it won’t help with the crap of the morning. Tea won’t cut it. Sorry bod, but you’re going to have to learn how to deal with cortisol. SUCK IT UP!

Do important tasks at 11am
When your brain is at peak function – bloody marvellous. So when the kids are showing me their maths homework at 8pm I have an excuse to tell them to google it. 

The best time to run or cycle is 5pm
Seriously…who is ever free to run at 5pm? 5pm is never an available slot. 5pm is slap bang in the middle of mayhem. Hey kids, today we’re running to football training, via ballet and the circuit will take us by the Brownie pick up. 

The least damaging time to have a glass of wine is 6.30pm
Fuck off. No, really. Just fuck off.

Go to bed before 11pm
In my dreams….

Most people these days have schedules that make them want to weep due to their complexity and they buckle under the sheer grind of life. But if there’s one thing that gets us all through, that keeps us going on the endless treadmill of life, it’s a morning coffee, a run or a bit of Zumba in that one luckily available slot we’ve spent days negotiating with our other half, a glass of wine at whatever fucking time we want it and we collapse into bed heaving for breath, praying it’s at least 1 minute before midnight. 

So those Canadian scientists have spent a shed load of money on research that means bollocks all to quite literally anyone. 

If I aligned my body clock with my daily schedule, I would piss off a lot of people. So I’ll risk being unhealthy, sad and fat. I’ll carefully monitor the situation and should I notice any of the above symptoms I will change my entire life to worship my circadian rhythms. Until then I will say to those researchers: so fucking what?

coffee-fix-for-less

I’ve been shortlisted in the Best Writer category for the Mumsnet Blogging Awards! If you aren’t too offended by my swearing in this post, please vote for me by clicking on the link below – it takes literally a millisecond. Thank you 🙂

http://www.mumsnet.com/events/blogging-awards/2016/best-writer

60 thoughts on “So Fucking What?”

  1. Hilarious as always. Is this the same people that have announced that fitness trackers make you fat? It’s all bloody ridiculous. We struggle through as best we can and one day is never the same as another so the times would be different every day in our house. Clearly these parents are not researchers. Anyway I am looking forward to a Wine Wednesday evening to break up the monotony of the week but can’t promise to last to 6.30pm. Cheers. #bloggerclubuk

    1. Ooh, I was going to be good tonight, but now you’ve said wine Wednesday…and the sun is shining…and my body clock is screaming at me: WINE! Thank you for your comments 🙂

  2. I would love to meet anyone that does any of these on a regular basis. I call bullshit. Total bullshit. Although, I do think drinking wine at 6.30pm is absolutely fine, and at 7.00, 7.30, 8.00, 8.30, 9.00 and so on. #bloggerclubuk

  3. Surely we all have our own unique body clocks anyway so this research is of no use to anyone, unless your personal body clock and schedules happen to align with it! We certainly don’t need any more research telling us why we’re fat. #ablogginggoodtime

  4. Brilliant. I wish these people who are paid stupid amounts of money to ‘study’ shit like this would fuck off and get a proper job. They get right on my (lack of) tits. #stayclassy

  5. HAHAHAHA yes, I can totally follow this cycle! And in other news, the government is going to pay me millions to stay home with my kids instead of going back to work, immediately call a halt to all war and buy everyone in the country a puppy. XD #stayclassymama

  6. Oh man, my schedule looks NOTHING like this. I’m up before 7:22, I’m preparing dinner at 5 because if my daughter doesn’t eat by 5:30 she loses her mind, and I drink wine WAY after 6:30. To hell with the experts. #stayclassymama

  7. Haha this made me laugh! My body clock is telling me to make the most of every second my children are in bed and enjoy the peace and quiet and to eat more chocolate. These studies are hilarious, if only they knew about real life! Good luck in the mumsnet awards, I’m up for best campaigner and keep forgetting to drum up votes! Have already voted for you though! #stayclassymama

    1. I’ve just commented on one of your posts about your adorable children and I’ve voted for you. You absolutely deserve to win. I’m rubbish at drumming up support too – it just feels so wrong! Prabs told me off yesterday about it. As she said: if you don’t shout it from the rooftops, no-one else will! Go get shouting 🙂

  8. Ahahaha haahaha I love love this! I have felt exactly the same way reading those shit life hack articles, my fave part, no kids don’t come into my bedroom until 7:22am! What the fuck is right. This is ridiculous and the only people that have time to do this are probably students who could care less about following their body clock. Thanks for the laugh and sharing with #StayClassyMama!

  9. Someone’s feeling stress! As my daughter says “….awkward…” BTW where do you read crap like that? If it’s in those ‘lifestyle mags’ you have got too much time on your hands 🙂
    x

  10. Ha ha ha – this is very funny – though I quite like the idea of starting my vino drinking in the middle of the mayhem of bath and bed so I may just take their advice on that!!!! #ablogginggoodtime x

  11. I entirely resent the least damaging time to have wine. I think the best time to drink wine is anytime from midday onwards, and the 11am surge of productivity is helped by coffee, which can then be duplicated at 3pm thank you very much! Fab post about some shit research. Thanks for linking to #Chucklemums, hope to see you next week!

  12. Haha, on the off chance that there is someone who follows this ridiculous schedule, I really don’t think I’d like to meet them. Not least because they’d be getting about 8.5hrs sleep per night and I wouldn’t be able to contain my jealousy! #chucklemums

    1. You couldn’t possibly be jealous of someone who follows this regime, as they can’t have coffee in the morning! Thank you for commenting.

  13. Oh I’d love to wake up at 7.22 – that’s at least an hour later than my usual time! WOuldn’t give me much time to get ready and get us all out of the house by 7.50 though…
    I quite like the idea that wine is best drunk at 6.30pm – that’s just right for getting me the last hour of chaos before the kids are finally in bed!
    #chucklemums

  14. No wonder we parents are all screwed then! It’s all that messing with our natural body clock shiz!? I’ll print this and take it into work. It will totally justify my rocking up late following my 7.22 alarm and only seeing one customer all day – at precisely 11 am. Well done genius science people. *slow clap* Love this post Alison xx #chucklemums

  15. Haha – yes I have heard this before too! Always depresses me as I don’t come close to any of it! Doesn’t make me try to change my schedule, mind – not that depressed about it!

    Thanks so much for joining us on #FridayFrolics.

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