Effing Bollocks

What a load of effing bollocks there is around at the moment (not to be confused with elfing bollocks – there’s a lot of that around too). Train strikes, postal strikes, airline strikes: Merry fucking Christmas! What a load of effing bollocks.

Effing bollocks to 2016 that stole Bowie, Prince, Cohen, Wood, Gill, Wogan, Wilder, Aherne, Ali, Corbett, Burns, Alexander, Lake and Sachs. Plus others. Effing bollocks to 2016 that brought a good friend Cancer. Plus others. Effing bollocks to 2016 claiming the lives of those that are dear to us – in our case Harry. Plus others. You will never, ever be forgotten, but still:

Effing bollocks, effing bollocks. Effing, fucking bollocks.

Effing bollocks to Brexit and Trump, because whatever you think of either, they’ve still caused a lot of consternation and a lot of effing bollocks. Aleppo gets me going every time. The threat of ISIS always in the air. Bombings, stabbings, gunning downs. Refugees who people just don’t want: get off my land! Cue the Daily Mail.

Effing bollocks, effing bollocks. Effing, fucking bollocks.

Then amidst all this serious shit, psychologists have found the time to do research into the effect that lying to our kids about Santa is going to have on them long term. Get me into therapy, NOW! I was set up for inevitable disappointment. I can no longer trust anyone. I’ve been consistently lied to for years and now I am perpetuating this lie to my kids. THIS is why I don’t trust Trump! Maybe he’s one of the good guys? Maybe Nigel Farage isn’t a twat after all? My ability to become a critical thinker was shat on at an early age, by the people I though actually loved me.

Effing bollocks, effing bollocks. Effing, fucking bollocks.

It’s enough to make you want to hit the bottle: pour a gin, down the wine, drown your 2016 sorrows…and then be saved by a visit to the hairdresser in the New Year. Hairdressers, beauticians and barbers are being trained about the dangers of drink, so that they can pass on the facts to their clients. “Where are you going on holiday this year? Spain, lovely. Don’t fucking drink though.” Anyone else sniffing at a hint of Orwell or Big Brother here? What if the hairdresser is an alcoholic? Ha, the Local Authority who introduced this scheme didn’t think of that – the blind leading the blind…not so good when you’re a hairdresser, beautician or barber.

Effing bollocks, effing bollocks. Effing, fucking bollocks.

There’s been some good stuff too. TV shows kept us entertained: Ed Balls did his bit. Andy Murray won Wimbledon and the Rio Olympics was a success.

However, you’ve got to admit that 2016 has been a load of:

Effing bollocks, effing bollocks. Effing, fucking bollocks.

(Luckily Santa Claus and unicorns do actually exist. Plus there are plenty of rainbows and chocolate in the world and cats doing stupid things on the internet. We are not completely doomed.)

bye-bye

11 thoughts on “Effing Bollocks”

      1. I lost both my parents this year so 2016 won’t be fondly remembered by me personally. I worry though that all the other deaths are a sign of our own mortality as it’s our own reference/peer group that are now “going.”

        I went to see the Specials last month and LOVED it. It was great to see the seminal band from my youth as I was brought up in Birmingham and we adopted them as our own. Seeing Terry Hall filled me with two diametrically opposed thoughts though. Firstly, it was good to see that (in my humble opinion) age has been a heck of a lot kinder to me than him! Secondly, though, my hero from my youth is getting old … and HE CAN’T DO THAT. He was everything I wanted to be – soulful, gifted and very funny. He is still that but now shuffles round the stage looking like he’s in his loungewear on the way to the fridge.
        I’m starting to realise that this trip on earth is a quick ride and we need to celebrate people passing on for what they gave rather than whether they are with us or not.

        I’m off to book tickets to see Neil Young, Shirley Bassey and Morrissey before it’s too late!

        x

        1. Sorry to hear about your parents, Adam. That is tough. I agree – see these people sooner rather than later. You just never know…x

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