So apparently, eating fat can make you slim…bloody marvelous. Fish and chips, bacon butties and pizza…what, pardon? Sorry…what did you say?? Oh, I getcha, healthy fats. This is celebrity trainer, James Duigan’s idea of what we should all be following:
Monday: ‘Put wilted spinach in a ramekin’, Tuesday: On Monday night…bla, bla, bla (it lost me after telling me to basically ‘be prepared’ 12 hours in advance…I mean, ya whaaat?!
Wednesday: ‘Fry onion in coconut oil, add spinach and wilt’
Ok, ok yeah: ‘and wilt’, because by Wednesday morning on this bloody diet, I would be wilting. Not through protein loading or overuse of the current foodie lovey that is: coconut oil, but wilting because I hardly have time in the mornings to pee. I don’t have time in the mornings to look in the mirror first thing and spot that I look like shit (luckily), I certainly don’t have time to be pleasant. I already have my mornings mapped out and trust me baby, there is no room for ramekins in there. There just isn’t the space to fry f-all and I’m telling you right now, honey, if you think I can deal with garlic…yes, you heard me right, garlic (see Thursday), at 7am, then you really don’t know me! I AM LUCKY TO MAKE IT TO THURSDAY!!! By Thursday morning I am whooping and hollering that tomorrow is Friday and I can crack open wine with impunity. I am NOT in the crushing garlic zone! ‘Fill with smashed avocado’…seriously, is this for real? By Thursday there are several things, such as teenagers’ heads, that need smashing together, but smashing an avocado?? Really?
Friday: more wilting spinach – I can relate to that – yes, we’re wilting it right up here – and, ‘scramble’…or more like: SCRAMBLE!!! (Said in a delirious Saturday night tv presenter’s over-enthusiastic voice, with the emphasis on the final syllables).
And SCRAMBLE I shall – away from celebrity trainer: James Duigan and his diet. It may well be Lara Stone’s food of choice, perhaps it gets David Gandy fired up in the mornings, but for me, I’ll stick to my well-oiled routine: alarm, groan, shower, still groaning but a little less so, background noise of kids killing each other over tights, downstairs, listen to kids constantly bickering over naff all that is important, sign a planner – either for four weeks in advance or for four weeks that I haven’t signed it, trip over the dogs, trip over the kids, hear that their train has been cancelled, groan, make packed lunches if I forgot to the night before and boot four kids out the door…and BREATHE…is there room in my life for wilting bloody spinach or sprinkling ANYTHING, let alone garlic (see Day 6) …the answer is no.
Does anyone have time for this? Really…anyone? (Actually, if you really do, then please don’t make me feel any more crap by telling me).
Btw…I haven’t even started on his lunch menu, but safe to say, if you don’t like fish then you’re scuppered and if anyone knows how to stuff a trout (no rude jokes please guys) or to make, ‘courgette ribbons’, then please e mail me. Actually, don’t bloody bother, because I will be too busy having a life.