I thought that it was probably about time I stepped up to the mark and talked about teenage girls in my: Voice of Experience series. I have/have had quite a few (nearly 5) and although I am absolutely not an expert, I feel that I have waded through enough selfies and blusher brushes to at least voice my experiences of them.
You will get to know the postman extremely well, as he or she will be delivering ASOS products and packages from China to your door weekly, possibly daily.
The Ikea shoe rack you bought when your kids were toddlers, no longer caters for 1, let alone any more teenagers. Shoes will take over your house. Shoes and boots. Teenage girls will continue to buy shoes and boots that look exactly like the shoes and boots they already own.
Despite duplicating shoes and boots regularly, they will constantly tell you that they have no money.
They shave their thighs. I was so shocked when I learnt this on holiday in Spain this year, I almost spat out my sangria. Yes, you heard me: their thighs…or perhaps I’m the last to know?
Contrary to popular belief, they don’t initially like to shower. It requires way too much effort. Once they hit 16ish, showering suddenly becomes very important.
They will quite happily take shit photos of you to feed their Snapchat story, but will demand that you delete even the nicest shots of them. They will threaten to report you for child abuse if you don’t.
They will not take off their school jumper, even in a heatwave.
They will not wear a coat, even in a monsoon. Unless it is a coat they have bought – which won’t keep the rain out anyway.
They have a very different concept of appropriate clothing to their parents. They will quite happily let their arse hang out of a pair of shorts and wear see-through leggings. This is very normal behaviour for a teenage girl and to suggest otherwise simply shows how ignorant you are.
They will bake cakes. Quite a lot.
They will pout. I never wanted to believe that my girls would ever pout. I honestly didn’t think they had the pouting gene. They are not even embarrassed by their pouting.
They will have friend issues. You will never quite get to the bottom of it. Just as you think you have nailed the friend that is being the little bitch, bam – that one is the bestie. Stand well back. Be there for them when they allow you onto their hallowed turf, otherwise keep a safe distance. That way, you are doing everyone a favour.
They will wear fake nails. You will find fake nails in odd places. The dog will shit fake nails.
Your house will smell like a whore’s boudoir all the time.
Teenage girls can never have too many bags.
They have somehow managed to create a word, the sole purpose of which is to describe perfectly groomed eyebrows. They may talk of getting an eyebrow tattoo…this does not mean they want their boyfriend’s name across their temple.
They can make you feel like the most unfashionable/unkempt/ignorant idiot with a mere look. If the word: ‘on fleek’ was invented by teenage girls to describe eyebrows, I think the word: ‘disdain’ was actually invented by teenage girls to describe how they feel when they look at their parents.
Above all, teenage girls are vivacious, loving, astute and savvy and I feel extremely privileged to have the terrifying task of bringing them up as single-minded individuals.