Anti-Bullying Week: 14-18th November 2016
Last night I was nonchalantly scrolling through my Facebook feed, when I came across a video clip of Lucy Alexander on, ‘This Morning.’ Lucy’s teenage son Felix, 17, took his own life after suffering daily taunts from bullies. It drew me in.
This mum was speaking so bravely, so honestly and with such tragic insight, that I wanted to listen. I wanted to learn.
We hear the word, ‘bully’ so often now, we might almost wonder why, when it seems to get bandied around so much, does it still exist? Why do bullies continue to get away with it? Why aren’t we – parents, teachers, friends – so aware of that word, that we are able to stamp it out?
The truth is the tragedy here. The truth is causing young people to jump in front of trains. To take scissors to their arms and to hang themselves. Not because they are cowards, but because they simply cannot take any more. Their minds have been warped and twisted and turned so many times that they no longer know how to unravel it. And the truth is, that as parents, teachers and sometimes even friends, we don’t see it.
We need to educate ourselves. We need to know that if our child is having a sleepover and leaves one friend out, who is normally a part of the group: that is bullying. We need to be aware that when a group of friends arrange to go to the cinema and decide not to tell one friend: that is bullying too. Excluding a child from a party, an outing, a play date, when they normally feel a complete part of that friendship group, is bullying. As parents we must take responsibility for this. Because bullying is not just calling someone names. It’s not just taking something from someone, nor is it just a punch in the stomach – although this is what it feels like to the victim, every time. It can be small things – little incidents, that alone don’t seem to matter too much, but they build up and it is this layering of small things that causes the mind to warp, the mental state to turn.
Bullies may not realise they are bullying. This is the honest truth. So parents and teachers: we are the adults. We must be the vigilant ones. We must be the ones who shout and scream and get our voices heard when we suspect that something is wrong. We must be the ones who talk, who seek advice, who listen and then act.
As Lucy said in her interview, we must teach our children this: Think! Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind – before anything you write on social media. Actions and words have consequences. Above all, she said, please let’s teach our children to be kind.
It’s so simple: please just be kind.
In a bid to prevent other young lives being lost, she wrote a heartbreaking but poignant letter to appeal to youngsters, parents and teachers to never turn a blind eye to a child in need.
Here is Lucy Alexander’s letter to bullies, parents and schools in full
On April 27 2016 our beautiful 17-year-old son took his own life. He decided to do this because he could not see any way to be happy.
His confidence and self esteem had been eroded over a long period of time by the bullying behaviour he experienced in secondary education.
It began with unkindness and social isolation and over the years with the advent of social media it became cruel and overwhelming.
People who had never even met Felix were abusing him over social media and he found that he was unable to make and keep friends as it was difficult to befriend the most “hated” boy in the school.
His schoolwork suffered and he found school a daily struggle.
He changed schools for 6th form, something he would not contemplate before, as even though he was miserable he was also terrified of the unknown and was sure that because he felt he was so worthless, another school would make no difference.
He did make friends at his new school and the teaching staff found him to be bright, kind and caring.
He was however so badly damaged by the abuse, isolation and unkindness he had experienced that he was unable to see just how many people truly cared for him.
I write this letter not for sympathy, but because there are so many more children like Felix who are struggling and we need to wake up to the cruel world we are living in.
I am appealing to children to be kind ALWAYS and never stand by and leave bullying unreported.
Be that one person prepared to stand up to unkindness. You will never regret being a good friend.
I have been told that “everyone says things they don’t mean on social media”.
Unkindness is dismissed as “banter” and because they cannot see the effect of their words they do not believe there is one.
A quote I saw on Facebook recently resonated with me and I think is worth thinking about before posting anything on social media. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
Our children need to understand that actions have consequences and that people are wounded, sometimes fatally by these so called “keyboard warriors”.
Not all children participate in online abuse, but they may be guilty of enabling others to do it.
They do this by not reporting it, by not supporting or befriending the child being abused, which just validates the bully’s behaviour.
I appeal to teachers to look out for signs that children are struggling. Poor grades or poor behaviour may signal a child crying out for help.
Listen to parents who may report problems and monitor their social interactions.
Are they sitting alone at break time or lunchtime? Are they particularly quiet or are they perhaps too loud?
I do not expect teachers to be psychologists but they have a unique overview of children’s lives and they are able to recognise a difficulty early and help signpost towards help.
Education is a vital part of change. Children need to be shown from a very early age the necessity of kindness to each other.
Incorporate these valuable lessons into the PSHE programme early in a child’s school life.
They all have smart phones at a very young age and it is vital that they are guided on how to use them responsibly and kindly.
Finally I appeal to parents. Please take an interest in what your children do online. Find out what social media platforms they are using and be sure that their use is appropriate and kind.
We don’t like to think that OUR children could be responsible for being cruel to another child, but I have been shocked by the “nice” kids who were responsible in part for Felix’s anguish.
Even if they only say something horrible once, that will not be the only person who will have said something that week.
Group chats can be a particular problem and they can disintegrate into hate fests very easily.
It is too simplistic to say “Why don’t you just block them? You don’t have to read it!” This is the way young people communicate now and many are actually are losing the ability to communicate effectively face to face.
On several occasions we removed all form of social media from Felix as it was causing so much distress, but that just isolated him further and he felt that it was a punishment and not a protection.
Look at your children’s Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Googlechat and Facebook.
Help them understand that if they are writing or posting something that they would not want you to read then they should not be doing it. Help them self-edit before they post.
What are they watching online in their bedrooms? Children are witnessing a warped form of reality as violence and pornography are being “normalised” by their ease of access.
We have a collective responsibility to prevent other young lives being lost to unkindness and bullying.
You may see that I have repeatedly used one word in this letter and I make no apology for this.
The word is kindness. I said this at our son’s funeral. Please be kind always, for you never know what is in someone’s heart or mind.
Our lives have been irrevocably damaged by the loss of our wonderful son; please don’t let it happen to any other family.
Lucy works with the charity: Place2Be. Place2Be’s highly skilled practitioners deliver services in 282 schools across the UK. They offer a menu of services relating to bullying for primary and secondary schools, providing support for children, parents, teachers and school staff.
Children don’t need to be punished, they need to be helped. Let’s help all our children by being more aware.
Lucy and Felix
That interview left a pit in my stomach. She is right- You will never regret being kind.
#anythinggoes
Yes, same and it really is that simple, isn’t it: be kind.
That poor mother. This is exactly the kind of bullying I endured at school. I was always the last one to learn anything new going on in my ‘friend’ group, I was always the one left out when a day out or event was planned, I was always the one whose hobbies were mocked and contributions to conversations were dismissed. It IS bullying. I dread the day my sons get old enough to start asking about social media and smart phones, I dread the day I might find out they have felt left out or isolated like I did. It is possibly my biggest fear as a mother. My heart goes out to her. xx #bigpinklink
Thank you so much for your comments. As a parent you feel so utterly helpless, but as Lucy said, she wished she’d shouted louder. I think it is so important that as parents we are aware that it IS those smaller incidents that are bullying in layers. In primary school my daughter was the only child in the entire class who wasn’t invited to a party once. The parents need to be aware that it is wrong. Alison x
How utterly heart-breaking. I’ve been on both sides of the bullying in school and am so regretful even thought it was more than 20 years ago of the hurt I may have caused. I’ve made up for it every day since I was about 16 and try to be the kindest and sincere person. A smile, a nice word, takes no time and costs nothing X #mg
I’m sure you are in a good position to be able to recognise signs that someone is being bullied and to shout loudly. We just all must be vigilant and not complacent I guess and you are so right – a smile takes no time and costs nothing. Thank you so much for commenting.
The title of this drew me in and the content broke my heart. I’m always banging on about the importance of kindness and this type of thing shows just how important it is. Some kids feel too frightened themselves to stand up when they see it happening to others. This is so tragic. It would be so much easier all round of people could just be kind! #bigpinklinl
Yes, absolutely and thank you so much for commenting.
Yes – a rule to live by – be kind…… this post is so heartbreaking. I will read Lucy’s letter to my Y13 tutor group. #AnythingGoes xx
That’s a good idea. I got my daughters to read it. It’s so powerful. Thank you for sharing x
I saw this too. It was so sad, and I really hope that our daughter’s feel they can talk to us about any problems when they’re older. Thanks for joining us for #marvmondays
Thank you for your comments. Absolutely tragic and needless.
That’s just so devastating and heartbreaking to read. It makes me feel sick to think that we are all raising our precious little ones to be sent out into such a cruel world. Our only hope is that we raise them to share kindness and to speak out against this ugly culture of bullying on social media. My heart goes out to Felix’s family and to all those suffering in the same way. Thank you for sharing Alison. Dawn x #mg
It just makes you want to do something about it, doesn’t it? I know that some of our taekwon-do students come to us because they are being bullied at school and we teach ‘Bully Aware’ as part of our tots tkd programme. It is just so sickening. Thank you so much for your comments x
oh god, so heartbreaking. social media magnifies cruelty and can be hard to manage as an adult, as a newly formed young adult, so sensitive, it must be impossible to see beyond. i think monitoring online behaviour is key – although must be incredibly difficult to do whilst respecting your teens right for privacy. my heart breaks for both of them – i hope we can do something about this #brillblogposts
It is, in all honesty, impossible to monitor what teenagers look at on line. So the only other approach is keeping lines of communication open. Thank you so much for commenting. It is absolutely heartbreaking x
Absolutely heartbreaking to see. Almost every parent you meet will have the same attitude and want for their child to be kind, so its bewildering to me how many can actually be cruel – regardless of what they are doing online. If anything in life, I want my daughter to be someone who is kind, friendly and supportive of everyone. Stories like this are happening to often in this world now. Change needs to happen. #ablogginggoodtime
Thank you so much for your comments.
I saw that interview on this morning, and posted about it on Facebook, it really struck me. It’s so important to be kind. I was bullied at school, and it was horrible, but things really have moved on so much now. I often wonder and have discussed with my husband about how we will chat to BB and LP about these things. What the world of social media will be like when they get to the age where they want to use it. It’s such a weird thing, and I am so grateful that it wasn’t there when I was at school. Children can be cruel to each other, such a mob mentality sometimes, wanting to stay in the ‘cool’ gang. Educating and communicating with our children is so important. Thank you for sharing this. Xx #ablogginggoodtime
You are so right about that, ‘mob mentality’: safety in numbers and in the faceless aspect of Social Media. It’s so tricky to monitor and pick up on things. Education and communication are certainly key.
If only the people Felix was at school with had done this. Think! Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind – before anything you write on social media. #ablogginggoodtime
It’s such good, simple advice for us to pass on to our kids.
This is so, so, sad, I felt so cold reading it! It’s really important to be kind for one another. I worry about my daughter as she lets herself be a victim and there are a couple of occasions when I have had to nip issues in the bud asap so that other children don’t get wind of her being a victim. Sometimes she doesn’t even realise how unkind people are being. It’s so easy to be kind to others, to have a positive attitude instead of a negative one and it’s something that should always be promoted. My boys’ primary school has Place2Be and we have a designated counsellor working there so I’ve heard of them before but I thought it was a school thing rather than a nationwide thing. Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes
Janet
Thank you so much for all your comments. It’s so good that you are aware of your daughter’s propensity to be a victim. Has she tried a martial art? They are so good for turning kids from being victims to having confidence. They start to see themselves in a different way and therefore give out different vibes to others. Sometimes the tween/early teen stage are reluctant to try, but if you can find one that does a free trial and lots do family classes now, so you could perhaps do it with her.
This story really saddens me, I remember when I first heard about Lucy’s story I was completely heartbroken for her, but also amazed with her courage and strength to write this letter to children. Kindness costs nothing, I really hope her letter hits home with young people and does encourage them to think before they speak/ type and to be kind. Thank you for sharing with #bigpinklink x
I was amazed by her courage too. An incredible woman and a very sad story.
Oh gosh this really got to me, you have expressed this brilliantly in saying being excluded is bullying it truly is and something as parents we need to consider too. I lost a best friend to suicide though she was out of school and it breaks my heart that anyone feels they can no longer live in this world. My daughter is 12 and next year goes to high school and it scares me to death. She was bullied by one girl last year over a group message and I was so impressed that she showed me and that in the same group message the other girls told the bully she was being a bully and should apologise to my daughter. The girl who bullied is having the most difficult time at home and I know she is struggling and is jealous of my daughter as she is well loved at school, it was the other girls cry for help and luckily she is now getting it from support counsellors at our school. It is so complicated and so hard for young children to not think that the world begins and ends with school life. We as parents need to understand this and not just tell them it is OK! I will be sharing this with our school and with other parents I know on my private Facebook page. Clearly Lucy is an amazing woman and this is just so not OK! #mg
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is such a powerful message from a mum who has only recently been through the most awful tragedy. Thank you also for your comments. It is such a dreadful thing bullying and the bully is, as you say, often a victim themselves x
Congratulations this post was chosen as the featured post on #mg
Fantastic – thank you so much x
I saw that interview and it hit me right in the stomach. I have seen some horrendous videos of bullying recently on the internet… why can’t people just be kind?
Thanks for linking to #ablogginggoodtime
It’s awful reading about it. Such a waste of many good, young lives. So sad. Thank you for commenting.
This is totally and utterly heartbreaking that I can hardly put my thoughts in order. I feel so angry and so let down by society. My daughter was badly bullied and we had to change school for her – the damage is irreparable – she has no self confidence and she will never be the same girl she was. I am so consumed with emotion about this. We have to teach our children to be kind,. We have to ensure the they have included everyone on the list for the party, the sleepover, the cinema etc. We have to encourage them to be sensitive – to imagine how they would feel in the same situation. This is not a new problem and social media is making it so much worse. Those poor poor parents for having lost their baby – every single one of those bullies can take full responsibility. #DreamTeam
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. The most upsetting thing is the irreparable damage caused. My partner was bullied at school and unfortunately the effects are long term. Of course people can turn themselves around and move on, but I do feel that their self-esteem takes a battering. As a parent it must, quite literally break your heart and that is why I would dearly like to get involved in somehow doing something to try to help reduce it.
This is such an important message. That poor poor mother. I feel heartbroken, and her letter is so painful to read. It makes me so angry to think that so many parents may be aware of bullying, but do nothing. Calling bullying banter is completely unacceptable. Thank you for sharing with the #DreamTeam
Absolutely. Thank you so much for your comments and for hosting x
I was bullied like this at school, and I dread my daughter enduring the same as she gets older. She’s very kind and sensitive but I’m trying to make her tough enough to stand up for herself which is what I lacked! #dreamteam
I’m sure that your daughter will be strong and kind. Your negative experiences will arm both of you. Thank you so much for your comments.