Author: Alison

Us ladies are a funny (fabulous, wonderful and charming) bunch of people. No sooner has a friend on Facebook given the slightest whiff of concern about saggy boobs and there are 25 women telling her (quite rightly) that she is beautiful inside – at the same time as being the voices of realism and telling her that they too have saggy tits since breastfeeding 1, 2, 5 kids and then throwing in something sex related along the lines of: bet hubby doesn’t care though 😉 to which the one with saggy tits replies: glad I’m not the only one! THAT’S why we are so amazing, because we empathise, but we are realists. We empathise because we’ve been through similar experiences, we’re realists because these experiences are often shit and sometimes demoralising and often painful, all in varying degrees and we know that you can’t always sugarcoat it.

So back to the, ‘but you are beautiful inside’, in all its various guises.

What I want to know is, us ladies are so bloody good at dishing all this out, why do we find it ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to believe our own hype? Because let’s face it ladies, if we really did believe this, why the hell are we spending so much money on make-up? Why are we chucking bloody awful slimshakes down our necks and pretending we’re ok doing it (at the same time as retching into the sink)? Why the heck are we googling ‘tummy tuck’ and thinking which of the kids we would sell to pay for it? If we’re all so bloody gorgeous on the inside? LIKE THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS! The point is, of course, that however lovely we are as people, most of us want to look good on the outside too, no matter how much we all, in each others’ lowest moments, are trying to convince ourselves otherwise.

So how about some alternative quotes to wheel out the next time a friend tells us that she hates her tits or her arse or her hair or her thighs. Perhaps these will encompass both empathy and realism in fairly equal measure, without us having to muster up a weak smile and nod when one of us tells you that you are inwardly beautiful, whilst you are thinking: but I wasn’t feeling that inner beauty today, as I told the husband he was a twat and shouted back louder at the kids than they shouted at me. These quotes are for us ladies:

The can is open and the worms are crawling everywhere, since a mumsnet user posted a question on the parenting forum:

“Would you leave a peacefully sleeping 10m old home alone for 7 minutes?” The user explained that their 10-month-old sleeps reliably and at the same time every day. They also said that their journey took 7 minutes and the destination was 50m away.

It sparked over 800 replies and naturally the Daily Mail got hold of it too…the debate rampages on. Since Madeleine McCann went missing in Portugal in 2007, we have become the judges and the jury. Before this, we all went with our gut. She was 3 years old when ‘it’, whatever ‘it’ is, happened and I had children not much older than her. Of course it hit home. You couldn’t help but become obsessed with the story. I can clearly remember watching a news report when Kate McCann, the mother, was first visiting the police station to be questioned. How can she look so calm? I thought (judging – thinking how I’d react). How dare I judge! I didn’t just have an opinion, I judged. Is there a difference between the two? The point is, pre Madeleine’s still unexplained disappearance, I left my babies alone and not just me, friends and family behaved in a similar way to me. Sounds shocking? You haven’t heard the details yet. The mumsnet lady hadn’t given details, so of course we all form an opinion on what we can see or hear. After a negative reaction to her post, with some positives for what she did too, she gave us avid readers more details: she lives in a flat and she was picking up boxes of clothes so that she could try them on in peace…hey lady, stop! You’re making it sound worse to the mumsnet gestapo, not better! She says that she did a risk assessment first, possibly similar to the one you might do before opening a second bottle of wine, she assessed the risk as, ‘oh fuck it, go on then!’. Yes, I’ve done that same risk assessment that she did, on my babies. What allows us as mums to love, cherish, live and die for our babies, but still happily leave them alone in certain situations? Buying petrol – you do a quick risk assessment: baby asleep in car seat, door locked, I’ll be literally minutes and can see the car from the window, tick. The positives hugely override the negatives of waking her up, especially when you’ve spent the past 30 minutes driving around getting her to sleep and that’s why you now need the bloody petrol. Then, while you are in the petrol station, a car that is parked on a hill opposite rolls down the hill, onto the garage forecourt and into the side of the car where your bundle is sleeping. Unlikely? It happened to me when I was a child. Is it ever worth the risk?

People replied to the lady on mumsnet saying: what if a fire ripped through her house while she was out. Others posted, ‘unlikely’. The point is that we never know what might happen and you can bet that all of us who may say fair play to her, would be the first to tut if there had been a fire. So, back to the days of the gut instinct? When my children were tiny, I lived in a village, which perhaps made me feel (stupidly) safe, or perhaps I was just bloody knackered and my brain was in that place they pack their bags and take themselves off to when baby one appears. I don’t know why I did it, but I parked my car, complete with 4 kids under 5 in it, outside our local village shop, left the engine running and ran in to buy something. My risk assessment was screwed. Maybe I thought no-one would want 4 kids under 5 and would leave them well alone. Another mum came into the shop and asked me whether I wanted someone to take them, as she handed me my car keys. I was incensed (embarrassed) – how dare she! Looking back on the incident, my reaction is: how could I have done that?! But I did.

Perhaps the answer to the worms is never to take a risk. Just simply imagine that the worst may very well happen, rather than very well won’t. Is this a healthy way to live, adding to the neurosis that comes with the title of ‘parent’?

One thing that is for certain: as a nation we have become extremely judgemental. I suspect it is the rise in social media that is to blame for this. We play out our lives on line and we are bate. One of my favourite quotes is:

Temporary traffic lights 😡 My life seems to have become a series of traffic lights. So, when I’m sitting at a red light now, I think about projects I’m working on that aren’t moving forwards and try to work out solutions. When I’m at an amber light, I think about ideas that have just taken off and that I am excited about and when I reach a light that is green I give some thought to all the positives in my life; all the things that are going really well and bits of my life that I am exremely grateful for……nah, do I bollocks! When I see yet more f***ing temporary traffic lights I scream nooooooooooo more! I’M LATE ALREADY!!!

Indomitable Spirit is a really hard word for our students to say and it sure as hell is hard work achieving it. I really do think that kids now expect things immediately, we all do to a large extent. So much is easy come, easy go and so it can be quite a shock for children when they don’t manage to perfect a technique straight away. Children often lack indomitable spirit and I think that as parents, we are contributors to this. Children need to fail. I am always telling our students that their failures will ultimately lead to their greatest successes, because they will learn from them. However, as parents we don’t want to see our children fail and so we rescue them. By doing this, we are taking away the opportunity for them to build on that all important indomitable spirit.

In class, we often find that a child is scared to try something new, in case they can’t do it. They are scared to take that risk. As instructors we ask these children: what is the worst thing that will happen if you fail? We explain to them that they are here to make mistakes. We tell them that mistakes are actually a positive, because every time they make a mistake we can correct them and every correction means that they are learning something.

We need to get kids to focus on the process rather than the end result. This requires them to develop excellent listening skills, so that they hear what we are saying and can put it into practice. We want our children to develop positive thinking, so that they begin to realise that you can succeed, even when you fail.

Kids need resilience to overcome failure. They build-up their resilience by failing, realising that the world hasn’t actually ended and trying again and again and again. We mustn’t take away that opportunity to try again.

Here’s one we all struggle with – not just your average 6 year old, who definitely finds it hard to stand still! Many parents send their children to martial arts classes in order to improve their self control. Some will be experiencing difficulty at school – perhaps receiving negative feedback from teachers who simply don’t have the time to spend on each individual child. Others will be little angels in the classroom, but terrors at home, constantly fighting with siblings, or kicking against house rules.

Taekwon-do provides a structure and framework for the child, where there are clear and consistent expectations. It is a lot easier for us to be consistent in the dojang, as we are handing the little darlings back to their parents after 45 minutes. People often comment on how patient we are with the students. This does not necessarily reflect how I am as a parent! Parenting is relentless, teaching is a different art.

In the dojang I set my expectations of a child’s behaviour high. The etiquette of the dojang dictates certain behaviours that the student must adhere to, such as standing with their hands behind their backs in line, with both feet flat on the floor – not doing a shuffle! We use other cues to develop the students’ self control. We ask them to, ‘sit like black belts’ – cross legged with their hands on their knees. This is particularly useful, as when their hands aren’t on their knees, they are usually somewhere they shouldn’t be!

We don’t allow the children to touch each other. We find that boys in particular want to be physical with others, either hugging or play fighting. In class, they are only allowed to hit the pads, or each other when they are wearing protective gear. When they do the sparring element they must learn how to show self control, using light contact, so as not to hurt their partner.

As parents, we must play our own part in developing our child’s self control. It is easy for us to get defensive when we hear our child being reprimanded by someone else. However, we musn’t spring blindly to their defence. This is teaching the child that their behaviour is acceptable or justified. It is imperative that the children learn from other adults, as well as their parents, what behaviour is deemed acceptable. We have to show parental self control!

For me, the most important element of self control is the ability to listen. As I am always telling my students: those who listen well will progress fastest. I think that listening skills are one of the most important things we teach in the dojang and one of the most important life skills they will ever learn.

One thing that I sometimes see in class that concerns me, is when a child gets upset when they can’t do something. I will look at this in more detail in my blog on: Indomitable Spirit, but in relation to perseverance, kids sometimes just give up too easily. I think that there are various reasons for this.

Firstly, I think that it’s us parents who can sometimes be to blame (yes, again – slap wrists!). We know how important it is for us to set our children high standards to achieve. We know that expectation is key to our child’s success. However, if our children feel unable to reach these high standards, it can make them anxious and the easiest route for them to take then, in order to stop this anxiety, is to give up. This is where the importance of achievable goals comes in to play. Something that they need to work at, but that they can see is possible. Then, as they develop and mature, those goals can become slightly harder to achieve, thus developing their determination and grit. This is where the belt system within a martial art is so clever, as each belt level pushes the student that little bit further each time. They learn how to persevere.

Another reason that I think kids give up too easily is that there is always something easier that they can do, like play a crappy game on the iPad (yup, blaming technology again). However, as parents we shouldn’t just let our kids quit. If a child says to us that they want to stop doing something, we need to ask them why and then tell them that they are going to contnue with it for a little longer. Kids need to be taught that quitting is harder than persevering and not the other way around.

Sometimes as parents, we give too much praise for too little: oh my god sweetie, you can lie face down on your tummy – you are the best! No, they aren’t, they are no better than any other 3 year old who can lie flat face down. If you over praise this then they expect praise for every little thing that they do – you’ll be exhausted and they will be constantly seeking your attention and approval. Kids need to know that sometimes they haven’t quite yet mastered something, but need to be given lots of encouragement to keep trying.

On the flip side to this, there are parents who make their children feel that whatever they achieve it is never enough. This is just as detrimental to developing their perseverance as the parent who is too quick to praise. The child will end up giving up trying if the end goal seems too remote.

What we need to instill in our kids is determination and with just enough praise and just the right goals, they will soon learn how to persevere and then we can take that photo of them with the face that says: I knew I could.

The first time the kids in our classes understand the word, ‘integrity’, is usually during a game of dodgeball, when one of them is hit by the ball, but doesn’t declare themselves, ‘out’. This is a simple way of explaining to them the importance of telling the truth.

Children can be serial liars! Apparently children start to lie from the age of 3 and by 8 years old, they can be quite competent liars. It doesn’t take them long to realise, however, that in the dojang they are expected to always tell the truth and there are plenty of instructors and assistants there to keep an eye out to ensure that they do. Kids are quick learners and it is gratifying for an instructor to watch their development in this area. One of the ways of encouraging children to tell the truth is by praising their honesty. We do this in class when the students have been told there is a consequence attached to something, such as if they get hit by a ball in a game, they must do three star jumps. When we see the children doing their star jumps without being reminded, we make a point of praising them. Some need a gentle reminder and they soon learn to do it themselves.

Over the past few months, the integrity of top level athletes from many sports has been called into question. This makes me so sad, especially as Olympic taekwon-do was mentioned in one of the reports. By teaching our students the importance of integrity at the grass roots level, I hope that it becomes embedded in their character and conscience.

Kids aren’t born polite – the onus is on us parents to teach them. This needs to happen way before they hit pre school, or it’s the teachers who are picking up the pieces. Being polite is so much more than saying, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, but that’s a start. One of the best ways to teach children how to be polite is by encouraging them to practice it at every opportunity. At the end of our taekwon-do classes, the younger students receive a sticker, as well as certificates for achieving monthly goals. Whenever they receive something in class, they are reminded to say,  ‘thank you.’ It’s easy to feel like a stuck record – the children are excited to be getting something and simply forget to say it. However, it is important that we persevere and keep sticking the same record on repeat. When the children do something for us in class, such as tidy things away, it is equally important that we thank them, as we must lead by example.

Teaching our children how to share and how to take turns is also an important part of courtesy and probably the one that’s the most difficult for ego-centric toddlers to grasp. In our tkd classes, where we do lots of team races, there is ample opportunity for the little students to learn how to take turns with the others. Toddler groups are also the perfect training ground for teaching them to share and they often learn that one the hard way!

Another element of courtesy is apologising if a child hurts someone, even accidentally. Inevitibly, when they are taking part in a physical activity, there will be the odd bump and bash, but these small jostles and knocks provide the perfect opportunity for a child to learn the importance of saying sorry.

Technology gets blamed for a lot of things these days and it is sometimes said that because kids heads are down with their eyes glued to a screen, they are losing the art of courtesy. One of the ways this certainly manifests itself is with the lack of eye contact it can create. I am a stickler for eye contact and when I am talking to my students, my usual phrase is: eyes on me! If a child isn’t looking at me, I don’t know whether they are listening. Eye contact is key to children developing their social skills. When I am talking one to one with a small human being – one who is a lot smaller than me – I will get myself down to their level and encourage them to look me in the eye as we talk.

Finally, but my biggest bug bear: children interrupting when adults or speaking. Actually, my issue is when parents stop their entire conversation to appease the child. In my opinion this should not happen. The child should initially be ignored and when they continue to interrupt, a quick glance at them and a quick, ‘I’m talking to …, just wait’ or something similar. Once I have finished speaking to that person, I get down to the child’s level and tell them that I was talking to somebody, so couldn’t answer them and now it’s their turn. Children need to learn their place in the heirachy – if dogs can do it then so can we! I watch my puppies in the park. They are put in their place by the older and wiser dogs with a quick look and a growl. We can learn a lot from them!

I’ve been teaching taekwon-do for over 25 years and that’s a heck of a lot of children. As part of our taekwon-do learning and teaching, we follow the tenets of taekwon-do. It struck me that certain behaviours repeat themselves in our classes and I began to think more closely about how we teach the children to develop, through following the tenets and how the tenets create a great framework for the way we bring up our children as parents.

With this in mind, I have written a series of five short blogs, each one discussing one of the tenets. What these blogs talk about raises wider awareness of the importance of the teaching of these tenets to all children, not just in the dojang.